mood: annoyed
listening to: abduction-interlude
Looking around my neglected accounts on art communities online. I've realized that I've been so inactive lately, and have been neglecting the arts. Which I should say I love the most. Rather than Business. After resigning from work and bringing all the arts to a halt temporarily, I feel so unaccomplished and useless. I had that feeling. I remember the times when I was always doing something that would rather improve my skills rather than stop until I forget about it entirely. Its ridiculous.
I hate having insecurities.
I always need something to look up to.
I always need something to tell me that I'm going somewhere.
I always need to be an overachiever to feel good about myself.
I want to make a difference.
I want to be inspired and inspire.
It devouring, its idiocy.
then again who doesn't want that. (I always like to think that I'm the only one. Again, who doesn't?)
word count - 189
*sigh*
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Calamity in the works
mood: productive
listening to: Shindaze Sekai - heidi.
Working on my latest project. Check out the WIPs.
and me during the 4 hour project.
WIP 1
Comping of the background and horse
WIP 2
Comping of model
WIP 3
Comping of Dress
WIP 4
Comping of Legs
WIP 5
Comping of Hair
WIP 6
Color Change
Finished Pieces : http://redeemer-of-light.deviantart.com/art/Calamity-144875883, http://redeemer-of-light.deviantart.com/art/Calamity-002-144876211
-End-
listening to: Shindaze Sekai - heidi.
Working on my latest project. Check out the WIPs.
and me during the 4 hour project.
WIP 1Comping of the background and horse
WIP 2
Comping of model
WIP 3
Comping of Dress
WIP 4
Comping of Legs
WIP 5
Comping of Hair
WIP 6
Color Change
Finished Pieces : http://redeemer-of-light.deviantart.com/art/Calamity-144875883, http://redeemer-of-light.deviantart.com/art/Calamity-002-144876211
-End-
Friday, October 23, 2009
Random piece from Unrequited
Fight sequence between Scarlet and the Third person in scarlets and Dafoes love life.
"I may be too little into society but I have experienced difficulties you'll never ever imagine! I know what is right and wrong, whether or not I am too little or too much into society. You on the other hand, too much into society and you bring nothing but agony to anyone who is yet to know your persona. Your concept of right and wrong is to vague for you to even think or say that I'm just a beginner into society. I have long years ahead of you. You are nothing but a naive, immature, obnoxious, attention seeking woman with all the fake virtues that every good woman should have. You are nothing compared to me. Don't ever insult me thus again. I don't know why I tolerate you so." I turned away immediately storming out. Leaving her and Mr.Dafoe in an awe. The moment I stepped outside. I stopped and thought for a long while before breaking into tears. My heart only now realizing how much it hurt to be insulted thus. Maybe I am to sensitive. No, I have too much repressed feeling tucked into my little pieces of my heart. I clutched the side of my dress and walked quickly to the lake. I sat there and quivered.
"I may be too little into society but I have experienced difficulties you'll never ever imagine! I know what is right and wrong, whether or not I am too little or too much into society. You on the other hand, too much into society and you bring nothing but agony to anyone who is yet to know your persona. Your concept of right and wrong is to vague for you to even think or say that I'm just a beginner into society. I have long years ahead of you. You are nothing but a naive, immature, obnoxious, attention seeking woman with all the fake virtues that every good woman should have. You are nothing compared to me. Don't ever insult me thus again. I don't know why I tolerate you so." I turned away immediately storming out. Leaving her and Mr.Dafoe in an awe. The moment I stepped outside. I stopped and thought for a long while before breaking into tears. My heart only now realizing how much it hurt to be insulted thus. Maybe I am to sensitive. No, I have too much repressed feeling tucked into my little pieces of my heart. I clutched the side of my dress and walked quickly to the lake. I sat there and quivered.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
"My hopes were all dead-struck with a subtle doom, in night, fell it shivered away from my heart"
Mood: Indifferent
Call me selfish or competitive I might be one or both. I'm just having one of those times when I feel so productive that again instead of doing what I should. I ponder on my confidence level and lower it myself. Lol. Its unhealthy I know. But it can also be a good thing? I think. I know what you're thinking "So hurting yourself Naj would be a grand thing?" Lmao. Or something like that in a less writers format. Yes, I'm in that mode too. >.< style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">n't do everything at one time. Take it easy.
Imagine that.
I don't know, I miss those eight months of my life. Where I was often called the next generation of something. *sigh* Those were times when I actually smiled my brightest smiles. For some reason I feel disappointed.
-Naj
Call me selfish or competitive I might be one or both. I'm just having one of those times when I feel so productive that again instead of doing what I should. I ponder on my confidence level and lower it myself. Lol. Its unhealthy I know. But it can also be a good thing? I think. I know what you're thinking "So hurting yourself Naj would be a grand thing?" Lmao. Or something like that in a less writers format. Yes, I'm in that mode too. >.< style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">n't do everything at one time. Take it easy.
Imagine that.
I don't know, I miss those eight months of my life. Where I was often called the next generation of something. *sigh* Those were times when I actually smiled my brightest smiles. For some reason I feel disappointed.
-Naj
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
Memories that haunt and scare.
mood: slightly annoyed.
listening to: nothing.
Well, I miss you blog.
You know I can never actually leave you or not vent out on you anymore.
Its just not possible at all. What was my actual reason for starting a blog? hmm... I don't quite remember. I think it was cause I was sick and tired of writing "Dear diary, today I..." with colored feathery girlie pens. Sorry, that doesn't work for me. Actually, I haven't had the time to actually sit down and give a whole hour to myself. Since, I don't feel like manipulating I'll just blog.~ at least I can dwell a bit in the depths of my echoie mind. haha. okay. my rooms too fucking quiet. Nada turned off the ac. I'll just randomly bull shit and say. I'm not really in the mood to do anything productive yet I fell like it. But I don't really want to.
Yes, I contradict myself.
listening to: nothing.
Well, I miss you blog.
You know I can never actually leave you or not vent out on you anymore.
Its just not possible at all. What was my actual reason for starting a blog? hmm... I don't quite remember. I think it was cause I was sick and tired of writing "Dear diary, today I..." with colored feathery girlie pens. Sorry, that doesn't work for me. Actually, I haven't had the time to actually sit down and give a whole hour to myself. Since, I don't feel like manipulating I'll just blog.~ at least I can dwell a bit in the depths of my echoie mind. haha. okay. my rooms too fucking quiet. Nada turned off the ac. I'll just randomly bull shit and say. I'm not really in the mood to do anything productive yet I fell like it. But I don't really want to.
Yes, I contradict myself.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Unspoken words
Closure statement.
Since I didn't really finish what I was saying in that AA cirlce. CAUSE EVERYONE FUCKING KEPT INTRUPTING ME AND THEY EVEN FORGOT THAT IT WAS MY TURN. (why doesn't people want to hear it from me? honestly?) Official closure. I have accepted the fact that Nikki and I have drifted away, weeks after I realized it which was over a year a go. I'm happier with or without her if she needs me I'll be there, otherwise I do not trust her with valuable info and in real life its either you don't have a bestfriend or you just have one and honestly I can't wait to get out of my teens so I can walk away from drama. People don't respect me enough. Anyways. Only people I'll get really close with right now are just going to be my good friends not best. My rule would be 'ONE BESTFRIEND ONLY!* (possibly two if a boyfriend(thats like a love and bestfriend in one) is involved) hehehehe. anyways. I'm going to be mean but its the truth. I don't care what goes on in her life. If she wants to be closed. I don't care. She says bad shit about me I don't care. But if its about other people that when I really flip and thats what happened for the 3 days of practice we had this week. Shes become intolerable which affected everyone. (obviously) but in the end I let it go. but then it got brought up once again. Which affected me cause I didn't get to finish damnit. anyways I don't care. Its done and over with. All I'm saying is the company is too personal. Boundaries need to be set and they will be set for me. IM GOING TO SAY THIS ONCE SO EVERYONE GET IT IN YOUR HEAD. I'm just Nikkis friend. GET OVER IT. I DONT CAST YOU OUT. NEITHER DO I CARE IF YOU CAST ME OUT. CAUSE FOR SURE I DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU AND NADAS CONVERSATIONS. SO STFU. YOUR NADAS BESTFRIEND FROM THE BEGINNING SO WHY SHOULD I BE OFFENDED IF YOU MISCELLOUSLY DECIDED TO BE WITHOUT ME. I DO NOT MIND. I DO NOT CARE. END OF STORY. WE ALL HAVE DIFFERENT FRIENDS. ITS NOT FOREVER. BLEH. WE HAVE A WHOLE WORLD AHEAD OF US. ITS ACCEPT AND MOVE ON. GEEZ. DRAMA QUEEN SERIOUSLY. SO STUPID. I LET IT GO ALREADY. YOU SHOULD TOO. GET OVER EVERYTHING ALREADY. GOSH. GROW UP. SELFISH BITCH. (sorry to those who get offended at that, I just think its fair I get to vent out somehow too)
That was out of anger yes. but I still do care for her and want her to see what shes doing to everyone and to herself. but I guess she needs to find out on her own. I'm done trying. Cause today I saw and accepted the changed Nikki. I still love her. Its just not as strong as it should be.
Since nothing is going to change. Might as well go on with my life. Haha. yes I gave up that easily. why? cause its a hopeless case.
I just blew up cause Nikki wasn't only hurting me anymore. She was hurting everyone. I only get too far with my tolerance and patience, but one word against... umm... lets just put it this way, I could be the mother lion trying to protect her cubs. something like that. okay maybe I'm just that protective to a select few people (Nada, Renz, Kal (if hes affected but hes not) etc.) but still.
Other than that, its an office not a freaking drama club. WHEN ITS WORKING HOURS. WORK! do NOT slack off. Get there on time and work when its done go home. end of story. I DONT GO THERE TO COME HOME EVERYDAY WITH A SAD, PISSY MOOD. I'M GETTING SICK CAUSE OF THIS SHIT. LITERALLY! only 2 weeks of this shit getting too intolerable and I'm already getting really really feverish and weak. another 2 weeks, I'll get sent to the hospital and this shit is not worth it. SET A BOUNDARY. I've done that since this thing started. Did what I had to do went home when transport is permitted. Other than that I keep to myself and talk randomly amongst friends or watch practices since I'm done with my hours then home. End of story. I've worked in an office before so I know how I should be with or without my friends as my co-workers. [BOUNDARY]
Anyways, I'm done with that and this is the last time I'll be thinking about or talking about it unless it is brought up again, I'll only reply if I have to, otherwise I'll just listen.
Officially closed.
Drama no longer exsists in my world as long as I can help it. (Neutralism)
Got a problem with that? EXECUTE ME!
Now, I feel much better. No more weight on my shoulders. Still feel sick though.
Hmmmmm... I like the smell of my pjs. Smells like comfort. Lets start with the logo shall we.
Since I didn't really finish what I was saying in that AA cirlce. CAUSE EVERYONE FUCKING KEPT INTRUPTING ME AND THEY EVEN FORGOT THAT IT WAS MY TURN. (why doesn't people want to hear it from me? honestly?) Official closure. I have accepted the fact that Nikki and I have drifted away, weeks after I realized it which was over a year a go. I'm happier with or without her if she needs me I'll be there, otherwise I do not trust her with valuable info and in real life its either you don't have a bestfriend or you just have one and honestly I can't wait to get out of my teens so I can walk away from drama. People don't respect me enough. Anyways. Only people I'll get really close with right now are just going to be my good friends not best. My rule would be 'ONE BESTFRIEND ONLY!* (possibly two if a boyfriend(thats like a love and bestfriend in one) is involved) hehehehe. anyways. I'm going to be mean but its the truth. I don't care what goes on in her life. If she wants to be closed. I don't care. She says bad shit about me I don't care. But if its about other people that when I really flip and thats what happened for the 3 days of practice we had this week. Shes become intolerable which affected everyone. (obviously) but in the end I let it go. but then it got brought up once again. Which affected me cause I didn't get to finish damnit. anyways I don't care. Its done and over with. All I'm saying is the company is too personal. Boundaries need to be set and they will be set for me. IM GOING TO SAY THIS ONCE SO EVERYONE GET IT IN YOUR HEAD. I'm just Nikkis friend. GET OVER IT. I DONT CAST YOU OUT. NEITHER DO I CARE IF YOU CAST ME OUT. CAUSE FOR SURE I DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU AND NADAS CONVERSATIONS. SO STFU. YOUR NADAS BESTFRIEND FROM THE BEGINNING SO WHY SHOULD I BE OFFENDED IF YOU MISCELLOUSLY DECIDED TO BE WITHOUT ME. I DO NOT MIND. I DO NOT CARE. END OF STORY. WE ALL HAVE DIFFERENT FRIENDS. ITS NOT FOREVER. BLEH. WE HAVE A WHOLE WORLD AHEAD OF US. ITS ACCEPT AND MOVE ON. GEEZ. DRAMA QUEEN SERIOUSLY. SO STUPID. I LET IT GO ALREADY. YOU SHOULD TOO. GET OVER EVERYTHING ALREADY. GOSH. GROW UP. SELFISH BITCH. (sorry to those who get offended at that, I just think its fair I get to vent out somehow too)
That was out of anger yes. but I still do care for her and want her to see what shes doing to everyone and to herself. but I guess she needs to find out on her own. I'm done trying. Cause today I saw and accepted the changed Nikki. I still love her. Its just not as strong as it should be.
Since nothing is going to change. Might as well go on with my life. Haha. yes I gave up that easily. why? cause its a hopeless case.
I just blew up cause Nikki wasn't only hurting me anymore. She was hurting everyone. I only get too far with my tolerance and patience, but one word against... umm... lets just put it this way, I could be the mother lion trying to protect her cubs. something like that. okay maybe I'm just that protective to a select few people (Nada, Renz, Kal (if hes affected but hes not) etc.) but still.
Other than that, its an office not a freaking drama club. WHEN ITS WORKING HOURS. WORK! do NOT slack off. Get there on time and work when its done go home. end of story. I DONT GO THERE TO COME HOME EVERYDAY WITH A SAD, PISSY MOOD. I'M GETTING SICK CAUSE OF THIS SHIT. LITERALLY! only 2 weeks of this shit getting too intolerable and I'm already getting really really feverish and weak. another 2 weeks, I'll get sent to the hospital and this shit is not worth it. SET A BOUNDARY. I've done that since this thing started. Did what I had to do went home when transport is permitted. Other than that I keep to myself and talk randomly amongst friends or watch practices since I'm done with my hours then home. End of story. I've worked in an office before so I know how I should be with or without my friends as my co-workers. [BOUNDARY]
Anyways, I'm done with that and this is the last time I'll be thinking about or talking about it unless it is brought up again, I'll only reply if I have to, otherwise I'll just listen.
Officially closed.
Drama no longer exsists in my world as long as I can help it. (Neutralism)
Got a problem with that? EXECUTE ME!
Now, I feel much better. No more weight on my shoulders. Still feel sick though.
Hmmmmm... I like the smell of my pjs. Smells like comfort. Lets start with the logo shall we.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Year 1000.
Its been a month since my last blog.
...
*cough* confession *cough*
Its been a long week. Literally. I was staying over at Naz's the whole time and its tiring but fun. Wake up at around 8am, eat breakfast with mother who usually comes over at that time. Then leave and I always end up going with her to the bank despite how messy I look then home, shower then I watch TrueBlood until it was time to leave again at around one. Then Dance Practice/Design Meeting. So it was like that for about 4 days. I got a little pissed at the fact that sometimes we just don't fucking practice. The show has been postproned yes. But that doesn't mean we have to stop. Cause after this week, I'm taking the whole week off for myself and school. bleh. Its starting the week after and I'm not sure if I'm ready but we'll see. I'm a little scared but who isn't?
...
*cough* confession *cough*
Its been a long week. Literally. I was staying over at Naz's the whole time and its tiring but fun. Wake up at around 8am, eat breakfast with mother who usually comes over at that time. Then leave and I always end up going with her to the bank despite how messy I look then home, shower then I watch TrueBlood until it was time to leave again at around one. Then Dance Practice/Design Meeting. So it was like that for about 4 days. I got a little pissed at the fact that sometimes we just don't fucking practice. The show has been postproned yes. But that doesn't mean we have to stop. Cause after this week, I'm taking the whole week off for myself and school. bleh. Its starting the week after and I'm not sure if I'm ready but we'll see. I'm a little scared but who isn't?
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