mood: .-. <- ultimate upside down sad man face
listening to: Quarter Life ~ lynch
Sometimes I really hate it when I know people read this pathetic piece of shit. I don't really care anymore. Cause they JUST read it. Its not like they do anything about it if I said something sad or if I'm disappointed or scared or freaking unhappy. None of you do shit. Its pretty much like having that journal always hidden under your pillow. You're all just reading thoughts and thats it eh?
I had a little revelation its that kind thats usually called 'Left'. Not the advejective the verb. yes. left. left out. left alone. LEFT. I hate it when I remember 'left'....................... Oh fuck it. I'm not going to be discreet anymore and sugar coat what I really mean. I'll just pretend that this is just a private blog that no one reads so i can speak my mind. fuck hell no am I going to try and talk to you guys again about this its just the fucking same shit over and over again. Okay, I don't like it when i'm left out. I get really really really really angry that instead of absorbing myself in that feeling of being left out I absorb myself in that anger and out of anger, since I don't hurt myself anymore I just take it out with this little shitty blog entry OR! or I take it out on art or getting better in so many other things. This anger turns into need and that need can't be met until I'm satisfied with what I've done with that anger. But still nothing. I get really determined to replace everyone with things that don't even talk. If not that then with what I can do. Thats why I was a fucking loner at some point. Stayed home, built useless jobs for myself and created things. Drew things. Disappeared in my own little world for the fucking last four years and to come out of it to begin again. Dreadful I tell you.
Honestly, I did tell every one of you how I felt about these things and the response was either nothing at all or yea, its okay. I know! okay. I know! that you don't even bother with invitations cause well cause you know I'll say no cause of my parents but still. Its still nice to hear them. I have so many different groups of friends and to feel left out in every group just adds to the anger. I just realized how fucking pathetic I'm being. WELL! I CAN'T HELP MYSELF. Its too much for me sometimes okay? So quit it with your judging. I hate it when people judge me. Especially those I care for the most. Its just too cruel.
I really loved working at least then I didn't have time to think about this shit. Its not worth it. But I still do. Cause it still hurts. Renz for example probably thinks I'm talking bullshit and thinking maybe I was just being cute or just trying to complain about shit just for shits or for his entertainment. Well, renz. I'm not. I'm 110% serious. and yet he does nothing then kal does pretty much the same thing but with an added 'Its okay, hun' <- maybe the same thing renz would say. If I tell Nasreen. Oh yea I know what her answer would be. "Fuck them. They're all cunts. Go out with me that way you'll skip their childish attempts of being friends with you." blah blah blah and yasy! yasy, feels my pain. *huggles yasy* mary feels my pain too *huggles her aswell*
that concluded my selfish disdain of feeling left out. I bet you guys don't remember what you read. HAHAHAHAAHAHA. You can do nothing about this now. I'm going to go to something more useless like maybe sulk about deviantart and get inspired enough to make a burning red deviation to show everyone how freaking angry I am. I'm not the only useless thing anymore.