Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Bai bai Yoshihiko

mood: sad, tired and busy
listening to: nothing 

I've spent 3 hours backing up all my files cause tomorrow... my dads going to take my laptop away to have it reformatted so i can do shit on it once again.! hopefully i wont download music that'll take up 8gb of my space wen i get meh old but reformatted notebook once again. 

too much jrock ppl. >.<>

I'm a total jrock lover. 

I heart purple. I'm going to dress work like tomorrow. 
I'll have pictures up tomorrow anyways. 
Tomorrows our last day of work till Jan 4 .

miss ko tulo si kuya. 

Hmm... I never thought I would actually get along with paul so well. haha hes so cool. I want to be just like him (childish remark) he just makes more sense than anything. Hes more on the creative side of his mind rather than his mind itself and the amount of passion he has intrigues me so much. I could learn alot from him. Wohoo! someone i actually really really do look up to. Right on Paul.! 

The open seas. 
Today, I've learned to think outside the box as much as possible to have something that doesn't resemble anything. I don't know what the fuck i'm talking about. But in general, creativety can spread like a disease if youre lucky enough.

For some odd reason my mind just... wants to I dunno absorb more knowledge than its already getting. Its like so hungry and needs more of what its getting. sounds fucked up. 






Eagerly thrown off.

mood: calm enough i guess
listening to: into the dark - lycaon

I spent about an hour trying to get up this morning. I didn't feel at all eager to get up and go to work. But I'm happy I did. Theres only about 7 of us in today. 
Everyone just slacked off and decided not to come in today cause the bosses aren't in. 
Seriously. .-. haha
I didn't feel like coming to work today... err I'm here now and I don't feel like leaving anymore. 
I love the atmosphere and the trance music in the background, totally sets me in the mood. (not that kind of mood) *is talkin to kal* haha. 

I was alone at work for a bit yesterday. I just wanted to sit at the library and read. 

Last night, I printed out pics for my scrap book. Now, I really hate starting it.  I've been making scrap books for 2 years now. If I start something I have to finish it. I printed out shit loads of pics... to find a pic of me and ren... thats not supposed to be printed out. .-.

Monday, December 29, 2008

wise words that don't seem to disappear from my mind

A designer once said "Never bow down to other designers beliefs, have your own mind, don't agree with everything if you do. If you keep on saying, yes, yes, it looks perfect then you'll lose your passion, you'll lose your soul." 

He did not directly say it to me. 
But it couldn't be missed. Its something that could help me in so many ways. 

Post 900. 
I'm tired. 

2 hours

mood: happeh
listening to: crazy botch - one ok rock 

2 hours and i'm gone. weeeee! 

I usually post up shit like this on my ameblo instead. but ehh... whatever.~ 

To do list


I am not going to post it up here.
Its pwivate. 


I wanna spam... 
until I got 900

wuv ya!

mood: happeh
listening to: the massage chair


I in the mood to do a mock up. 
I just ordered burger king. If weldon worked at mcdonalds here in juffair and he was the delivery dude. I would totally order mcdo everyday! hahahaha. 


being at work like this... 

is not good. 

Not good at all. 

Distressed and not happy?

mood: not so good
listening to: ice romancer - sadie 

last night, the night before, this morning. 
Fought with renz, fought with renz, fought with mom. 


enough, please. .-. 

someone call me. .-. 

Sunday, December 28, 2008


I was meaning to post up a blog entry yesterday... but nooo... the stupid browser crashed. >< 
This is just horrible. gahh...

I was a bit fucked up on Friday. haha. 
I'm not saying why. hahaha. I just came to a realization is all. 
anyways... Its 5, and I'm still at work. One more hour and I'm gone I guess.
and I'm hoping to get 900 Entries by 2009. yay! 


mood: err... i have a headache
listening to: akane - nightmare

at work. 

I definitely have to fix my safari or my firefox, either or. Its being fucked up. >->

why do i smell another mock up. 

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Yume wa ai desu.!

listening to: Hitsuzen Maker - ONE OK ROCK
mood: sleepy but happy

I have officially changed.
My attitude to the world is just as positive as possible.
I dress maturely (haha) but vk when I feel like it.
My shyness is non existent, I can finally go wherever I want by myself or with friends with no family in sight.

Haha! this year I've achieved a lot that's for sure.

Now, I'm in the mood to write and update my scrap book.
6 days till New Years.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Ice Romancer

mood: tired out of my mind.
listening: Ice Romancer ~ Sadie

Why is Ren always right...? If you're reading this. I hate you! I know you've been waiting for this day again. Actually you're prepared for it. But if you actually just let me be and leave me to my thoughts... wait, rephrase. If you abandon me like you spoke you would I will literally end our friendship (if it hasn't ended yet) and I know you wouldn't like that now would you? you fucking cockmaster.

Well, you're not 100% right. But its getting there really slowly cause... CAUSE. I'm actually avoiding it, being careful. Staying as distant as possible. I swear if it happens again. I wouldn't know what to do at all. I'll be in immense pain. That I know, but does it always have to be the same reason? The same fucking reason. Goddamn it. Someone stab out every organ and bury it in separate places.!

Haha. lame. >.>

I honestly think that my heart is weak when it comes to this crap. Otherwise it can be hard as a rock. I'm awesome that way. ♥ NO NEED TO CRY FOR SHIZZZ!

I'm writing this hopefully hidiously long entry cause I haven't written a long one in awhile.

Recently, I've been... having some difficulty with something that only Renz knows about. I don't mind him knowing . I actually need someone there supporting me as I stand weakly, there when I fall. literally.
Honestly speaking, I would like to ask one question! Why does it seem as though history is repeating itself? Slightly the same situation. Wait... actually its very a like in some ways.
Before this the only thing that seemed to repeat was the reason. This time its as similar as the 3rd. I find it completely hilarious. I'm such a bull shit artist.
I like laughing at my own problems and my weak feelings.



I know what my weakness is.


I just realized...

I fall hard for the guys who don't seem to care about me! hahahaha. No wonder.


I think renz already knows this before I did?


Could you at least tell your best... so she won't keep wondering wtf everything is... >.>

My current advice to myself is:

Ignore it as much as you can. If you linger on the thoughts cause it feels damn good. You're going to have hell to pay for later on. If there are things you just seem to... yea. Take it as Charm that likes to play with everything else. haha. Even if fate always throws things together for you and you like what its throwing at you. Don't always believe it...


It wasn't like this before.
Gah.! okay...
*time for rhetorical questioning*
what to do. what to do.

I hate this. ( ̄_ ̄ i)

Does it have to sting? or even manage to fucking piss off my calm mood? Grr.! go screw yourself nOOb. >.>

Things being done:
Don't seem to be there and obvious. So things wont get ruined. Pulled away whenever something gets too harsh in text. I would prefer it if I stayed away a bit more in the beginning. Then again it was always there in the first place wheather I liked it or not. My 'wants' sometimes loves taking over me. I don't let it. I think of it. I go for it but stop knowing its the worst thing to do.
Letting go and walking away. Always seemed to be done between or after a certain need takes place. haha.

and who ever is reading this. Probably has no idea what I'm talking about cept wenwen of course.

Im freezing cold. I don't get why I even took off my socks. *brainless at the moment*

I've been playing the bass non stop recently. I seem to take it more seriously than I used to.
I've been learning new and hard crap. Which I found incredibly easy 20 minutes later. Like everyone says. Practice makes perfect.

8degrees in Osaka. >.>

16 here. wtf. Too cold.

I'm going to be snuggling in my blankie tonight!

as bored as I seemed to be. I started checking if unrequited showed up on google. But some other crap came up like... unrequited love and how to deal with it and all that hullaballu.
Completely useless I should say.

Unrequited situations just piss me off so much.

that reminds me. I should finish Chapter Five already. haha

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Loathe. & Hate

mood: tired
listening : to renz on the phone.

(o_o) hes playin chess while talkin to me on the phone.


If the bill wasn't in the way we would have talked on the phone for hours on end.
I find it hilarious.
lubb you best!


Ren, has been... complaining? bitching? nagging? about me using words like utterly, immense, emnity and blah blah. haha. Whats wrong with using words such as those? >.>

time to do a fun fun meme!!!

Sunday, December 14, 2008



my japanese flag doesn't nothing but sit still in the wind.

mood: eager
listening to: into the dark ~ lycaon

First off.
Don't EVER call me useless... EVER again.

Yes, umm... this time I'll bitch about the 20 bands that disbanded within Nov and Dec.
I find it completely ridiculous. Why even start a band when you'll disband after like 4 lives? HUH??!!?! seriously. >.>

This Christmas all I want is my family, my bestfriends and friends all together and I also want my Koala. Which I doubt a certain someone will get me. *Sigh*
Honestly hun. I hate it when we fight. I don't like it at all. Its either u dis me or try to say something that pisses me off or me... doing something stupid to make u do that crap.
We'll just end up hurting each other somehow or is it just me who's getting hurt? haha I'm too emotional. T-T

Wuv u bwest. I know all u want for me is the best and I'm just being stubborn and not listening to your advice. But I will this time. okay?

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Just remembering...

I hate him cause he belittles my existence in this world. Its like for him hurting me is what gives him pleasure.

I would love for him to see me now.
He would always laugh at my ignorance and uselessness.
He would also laugh cause I didn't go to school.
He would hurt me senseless, not even hesitating one bit. He loved hurting me.
It was his hobby I'm guessing.
He would just randomly say how freaking bad I was at everything.
I drew, he saw and said you're not as good as your sister.
I wrote, he read and said you're bad at writing.
I read and he saw and said don't try being smart. It wont work without you going to school.
I was always the worst person to him and to think I loved him.
If I talked to him last time... he would've done the same. Doing it over and over again.
Like pleasure seeps out of every painful word he loves shattering me with.

Now, I think he'll eat up all his words. You better chew and swallow fast, cause I'm going to make you eat every word that hurt me in so many ways. Ha! I'm done with school, I draw way better than my own elder sister. I'm not useless I'm working as a junior designer! so go fuck yourself asshole. You defy me one more time and I'll make you lose your manhood.
No, I don't hate you cause I once loved you. I hate you cause you enjoy hurting my very soul. Downgrading my new born talents almost making me stop. I hate you cause you make me cry each time a word falls from your mouth.

You're an ego-centric ass who thinks there are girls lining up for you. Fuck, those girls aren't even real. I'll probably be the only girl who'll ignore your existence as you did mine. Hell, I did that last time. I can do it again... *smirks* Maybe I should talk to you and hurt you like you did me. Hell, revenge may be sweet but this was a long time ago... so I think I should let it slide after I shout at you senseless.

I can't wait to see you again. 18 year old ass. I just want you to see me now.
16 and more accomplished then any other 16 year old. I just want to rub it in your face. Even a little.

3 months? then you're here... umm... this I will enjoy.

Friday, December 12, 2008

When wild parties have to end before we get kicked out.

mood: occupied in heavy metal japanese rock.
listening to: fuck me ~ DEATHGAZE

This week was so eventful in a very uneventful way.
I don't make sense and I don't care.
I'm sitting here on my bed typing away on my laptop. Hopefully fast enough so Nada would wake up to the sound of me typing away. haha

Sunday, I went to work like normally. Did some major editing on some stationery. Made mock ups for an oil brand I should keep on the DL and also did a presentation for the said brand. (We had a meeting with the brands managers)

Now playing: 夢幻 -electric eden- ~ alice nine. [fucking amazing song]

Eid was okay. The usual chill with family tradition. But this time we went for a joy ride in my cousins car. haha
I'll just skip to Wednesday... OKOR...
Missed the WHOLE thing. Went with Mae and Nich~ It was funny, met up with Kevs, Jay C and the dudes. It was all kool. Hanged around KFC. Met a cool guy and walked home with him and kevs to pick up his painting. Turned into eye candy by two guys... it annoys me really. The phrase 'eye candy' is just eck. >.> One of them looked so freaking familiar. I still don't remember who he is or who he looks like. The other dude... well lets just say he looks like a creep.

Ah yes...
Thrusday... another working day I adored really.
I got to set up a christmas tree, well two christmas trees with Naz. Shortly after went for the Eidmas dinner the office had. I didn't expect so much gifts haha. It was fun. I got to drink. Though everyone wanted to steal the glass away from me. I SAY NEVER! BACK! I may be young... but I'm mature enough to control myself when drinking. I don't think I've ever drank so little before. I was watching myself I guess. I had to go home sober and the fact that my dad has a nose of a grey hound really makes u go brush your teeth and spray yourself with cologne after drinking. haha. I didn't do either of course. I drank lots of water and hugged people to get their scent on me! hahaha. It was fun. REAL FUN. The presents I got was just awesome... when I say awesome I say green awesome. *laughs*
Everyone made comments about each other anonymously. I had pretty funny ones. Some pissed me off.

Najla Qamber:

Najla: Hard working and polite, very helpful and eager to do her best!

Najla- the young blood of the designation (read design nation)

Naj... Mini silent but deadly! Again, just kidding. A true super trooper who is a pleasure to work with and is always so helpful. She works hard and always gets the job done.

The first of the next unisono generation
A little sponge for information

Naj: Has got an amazing talent and is very dependable most of the time even if she is just 16!

Naj: bubbly, talented & got it together. I don't think I was so smart when I was your age. You will go places.

Najla - unbelievable force of nature, her youth is meaningless comparing it to her skills - amazingly focused and hard working. She has an amazing career waiting for her in a very near future!

I like Naj because she's got the biggest potential even though she can fit quite comfortable in a shot glass!

I respect Naj because if anyone annoyed me I could ask her to put their head on the body of someone doing something questionable, the power of photoshop, ey!

Naj - she has a gift in designing and helping other senior designers to do their job.

Is a little power pixie who will photoshop you a new behind if you don't keep her busy with cool shit to do. (this one has tom written all over it)

Haha! if any of the team finds this! I'm sorry! I just had to type it down somewhere just in case I lose my paper! hahahaha. <3's!

I just watched D'espairsRay's new PV(promotional video) HORIZON and I did not expect rapping. Whats up with all the jrock bands mixing heavy metal, mild visual kei and rapping together. Its a good mix but still... rapping? its a new trend I guess. While watching the guitar solo. I was intrigued by how creative Karyu is. No seriously it just sounded so good. Other solos outside of Jrock sound annoyingly similar. Why do you think I love Jrock? Most bands have a unique sound. Plus... I hate being like everyone else. Its just... gah. Another thing about the video I noticed. They focused alot on ZERO(the bassist). Not that I mind cause that man just looks unbelievably hot now a days. haha. I'm not really a big fan of D'es. Lets just say... their music doesn't attract me as much as the other bands I'm currently listening to. Maybe I just don't like their new single. haha. (just went on their myspace) RIGHT ON HIZUMI! SCREAM!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

World End Anthology bass.~

I re did it.~ yay for that.

Friday, December 5, 2008


I had so much of it.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Utter Stupidity?

Mood: >.> don't fuck with me.
Listening to: Quarter Life - lynch.

Can I say something that could be stupid?
here goes.!

Whats up with our hopes up and hopes down unrequited loves RENZ!!!?!
I can't fucking stand it no more.!
Renz! Lets jump off a cliff!
I mean u had two? I had like what... 2 slight ones... 2 MAJOR ones.
It annoys me so fucking much that I want to just make guys disappear from the world.
Then again there was this other dude... but he did things I didn't like... and he didn't make me fall in love with him more... more like the other way around.

From the mortal words of Scarlet Lamont (I'm soon to write this IF i remember)

"Pain as I generally call love. After all its unrequited manner and my failed attempts at it. I think I'll never want to look forward to another red hair, blue eyed Englishman who would make me think as though I meant something to him but it was just his way of entering my friends heart."

ah love.
Such a wonderful thing.

I'll stick to work. I'm sick of that pain called love. *kicks it in the ve*

*this is what I call my winter mood*

*sigh* I miss twin brother (meaning ren not R.O.D)

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

When motzy makes u go "OMG... *drool*"

mood: sleepy
listening to: nada snore.

Just saw Motzy's new hair do.
One word... "Gackt"


I mished motz.! I haven't spoken to him in agesss!

Early start tomorrow. I have to be sleeping.
I have work to do so early.
Half of the office is going to the beach for a charity event.
Al Ghous Corniche, Muharraq, at 9.30am.
Its open to visitors. The press will be there.
The photos I took of Sarah and Naz are in yesterdays GDN. yay~

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Alone in here.

Mood: excited.! 

I was alone in the office for about 30 minutes! WOoooHOOoo! 
Naz didn't come in today.! and this is me posting up an entry cause I'm still on my lunch break.! 

I need to pee. ! 

I should really finish unrequited.! 

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Theres always a sting. But never a "oh I dont care"

mood: inspired
listening to: an illusion - lynch

There's always something that'll make that steady heart sting again! Oh the insanity!
I have alot on my mind at the moment and I hate that fact. I hate having a lot on my mind. I like just having simple things in there. Now, its going crazy!



When Chinese hats invade our house...

Pops is home!!!

Friday, November 28, 2008

little bit of rain drops to add to the taste.


This is my tired sleepy face.
This is my eager to go to work face. hahahahahaha

See what boredom does to you.!


mood: sleepy
listening to: dekaron <- nadas playing the game.

I haven't done this in awhile... I'm going to anyways. Cause I miss slacking off and being an idle bum. But I don't want to get back to that.

Heres some awesome random Jrock splatiness...~!

Riku-sama formerly of Bullet 69. Now has a girlfriend. *sadface*


I downloaded Rentrer en soi's Best of album and it made me want to cry so much. T-T Why'd they have to disband >>

GallowS is releasing their first single and mini-album next year! *happy day* They're a girl vk bad! They're totally awesome~ !

Hiroto is driving me nuts!!!
What happened to the sweet blonde pon pon we learned to loved? Now hes fucking sexy... like *droooollll* sexy. I hate him now... Hes like super hot in everything he does. First it was Saga, Tora, Shou, and noowww.. Hiroto?! Oh come on! If im attracted to Nao. I'll kill myself.

I still have to hots for Saga though... I'll tell you why... this is why

37 frames of saga goodness.
I obviously missed some frames. gah! I hate gifs.!!!
(gifs dont work here. T-T)

*sniff* Miyavi cut his hair and took out hes lip piercing. T-T. The hair I dont care much about but but the piercing?!! Why miyavi why?!?!

Lol that concludes the end of my rant. hahahahahahhaaha...
Next entry will be normal again so no worries.!!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Quick update

Mood: Sleepy
Listening to: SECRET SCARS -BESIDE YOU- - Rentrer en soi

Small update bout my day or week. Which ever.
First off this song is making me miss rentrer sooo fucking much. Why'd they have to disband. They're not disbanded yet. But they will in Dec. >.> I wanna watch them live before that.!!!


Anyways, about my week.
Sunday was busy as usual.
I did the internal tshirt design amends and it went to press(get them printed on shirts) the day after, Logo for banicon.
Monday, did the Icons, bag mock up, brochure mock-up (prototype), Banicon, & currently got recruited as a designer in another HUGE event thats happening next summer.
Today, Took over for Nasreen cause she didn't go to work today.
Normal work. Go bring coffee, tea, deliverable, print and amends on icons, edited internal web layout, meetings, & major planning for future events, & Logo/Poster Designs.

Time to de-stress.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

HYD Final

Mood: I feel fucking good.
Listening to: Kuroi Taiyou (Black Sun) ~ XodiacK [If you guys don't know this band then you guys suck. They're most definitely the band that'll replace Levianthan in my heart]

Got home at 7.
I was glad to get home. Though work was eventful in so many ways.
They actually like my work. Well, except my boss. Hes just one you can't easily please.
Today is my last day sitting in the creative department. I'll be moved to the front desk with my sister Naz. I'm still on the Creative team. They're just moving me cause the new Senior Designer is starting on Sunday. >.> Lol I don't mind. Its just I want a Designer next to me so they can help me with whatever I do. *sigh* Oh well. I'll have the internet. Yay!

I'm on the Creative Board now!! I'm so happy! hahaha It took me almost 2 months to get on that board. I'm glad I'm on it now.

What did I do today?
Made mock-ups of some stationary we designed, I put together the companies Team T-shirts, Designed the HPC Icons, Designed a Contact Card for the new comers, that people actually loved so much it resolved to them hugging me. haha. its sooo awesome.

Anyways, I'm here listening to heavy metal and burning HYD the movie for like everyone I know who loves it.
I'm going to start painting soon. I need to finish Kev's painting before Christmas!
Wohooo for that.

I have a lot of updating to catch up on~

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

When will Jrock conquer the world?

Mood: Yaying! 
Listening to: RAINBOWS ~ alice nine. 

I'm here at work. Sitting slacking off cause no ones here. mwuahahahahahaa
Everyones out to lunch. 

I can't wait to get home actually. I wanna do some normal stuff. 
Though I love it here. I would totally go home to do nothing but bum out. 

Right... Today is a packed day. People want me to do this and that. haha awesome. 
I'm useful.!! woohoo! 
Though lots of responsibility, I think I can take it. 
They've sorta banned me from doing anything that'll be produced. They don't want me to take responsibility for mistakes so they forbid me from doing artwork. I don't really mind. Though its kinda weird. I should be cause its my field of Graphic Design. I'm supposed to be one of the artworkers but I'm learning to be a Designer. Either or... I think its great. This way I'm learning both ways. Wohoo! 

 On Friday, I'm going to spend the whole day Tabbing Rainbows and Kaimu. I have to redo Rainbows cause some prick said it was horrible. F  YOU DUDE! Whoever you are. 

Anyways I'm going back to work. I left my task timing on daylite. 

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Fuckity Fuck

Mood: Fucked up...
Listening to: 一萬個快樂 - 飛輪海 <- fucking sad song.

Okay, I'm here home from work.
Thinking... "Hey, They're going to pay me this month" and that's Kool. It makes me want to work even harder. yeaaaaa for me.~

Now, I really have to work harder.
I have to stay out of my comfort zone and speak up.
Be strong Naj. You can do it.
It would be nice if I had a supporter. .-. who'll say... "You can do it!, Yay! for naj~ go naj!"

I miss my best friends.

I'll be working probably until or before September 2009, IF theres pay.

Im going to pass out.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Fucking Hell.

Mood: Fucking depressed
Listening to: Memento-Mori - Sugar

Depression took over.

Nothing seems to be going right.
One of the consequences I know would happen when I did something that'll probably hurt like crap. But I know I did the right thing. It wouldn't be fair at all for either side if it kept going.
What I heard... wasn't what I wanted. I guess, thats what happens if emotion takes over and once a simple rant turns into exaggeration and exaggeration turns into offending words that'll possibly spoil every bit of your name that only exsisted in society for a short while. I've been through this before, at least I had control over that sitaution this... this... is not in my hands.

I'll let it be.


I would like it better if no one commented on this.
I don't want to hear any sense of advice at the moment. I've already heard enough.

I'm tired, I haven't had time to think.
I look like shit at the moment, the weekends are too short. I can't wait for December.
The Holidays, 2 weeks... 3?
Anything, I need serious me time.
5 weeks... just 5 weeks left.


Shelf Test.

I barely sat down today.
Printed out labels, (got interrupted, we had to have a status meeting that lasted an hour) Cut them neatly, pasted them on 9 different bottles.
Went to Al Jazira with a Senior Designer & a Project Manager to see how the labels look amongst other brands... It didn't quite stuck out. Came back it was 12:30. Ate, did library work. Lifted things back and forth.

My Design is finally on an actual t-shirt. It looks like crap though. They fucked up my design. Tom's going to be pissed. ha.ha.ha.

I'm tired.
I think I'll just sleep.
I have to clean my room a bit tomorrow morning.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Dir En Grey on fucking mtv two!?!~?!@!#?>#!

*rolls on blog*

For the first time in Jrock history! A Jrock Band, knowingly Dir En Grey (One of the Biggest bands ever to come out of Japan... yes, even bigger than alice nine. >.>) are actually going to have a PV of their new single airing on MTV two... on headbangers ball!! Holy shit...
and I can't watch it cause cause...

the channel doesn't work.


*sigh somemore*

Panda & Koala

Mood: Distant
Listening to: Memento-mori - Sugar

Toystore Panda and Koala.
Me and Ren found that utterly hilarious to find both of them sitting together on those shelves like that. o-O fucking hilarious.

Future Christmas gifties~ hahaha


I suck. .-.
People know why.



Went to seef and BCC.

oh joy.~

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Went to hell and back.

mood: still fcked up but with a lighter burden
listening to: Reminisce - 4way speakers

Last night was hell. It was like the first few weeks of the 'Everydays fucked up and it keeps on getting worse' thing me and renz had.

It was like that but with all 8 weeks rolled up in one.
I fought with Jp. Fucked up my friendship with renz. Yelled at Nasreen and cried cause of all that plus knowing my boss will be giving me hell the day after and she not being there didn't make me feel any better.
Lets just say I wanted to lock myself in the bathroom, quit my job and not speak to anyone until something horrid ended my life. I needed a fucking smoke so bad. Never... NEVER hang with smokers... >.> they'll actually let you smoke. Fucking asses.

Everything I thought of that night no matter how unimportant it was I wanted to cry. I felt so fucking emotional.
It wasn't normal for me. No, I'm not used to this crap. Crying hurts my pride. >.>

I woke up so early in the morning and it was like me being 8 again with the same fears as going to school. It fucked up my head so much. I couldn't even think straight. All I wanted to do was hit my head on the wall so fucking much. I was a coward. I am not one now.
I have so much shit going on at the moment that I can't seem to fucking get a good nights sleep. Though I don't have as much work as the rest and I still come home tired. Fucking hell, I don't have much time for myself.

After a few more months I'm quiting. I'll get ready for Uni but first 2 whole weeks to myself. Just me, yoshi and my tablet. I miss my idle days. Then hopefully we'll get to go to the Philippines and China. I really hope that happens.

I miss Photo-manipulating, I miss writing, I miss painting, and drawing oh and reading! I used to finish a book a week. Now, I can't do crap. >.>

4 months.


I quit.

Interns dont stay for more than 2 months actually.
I have to ask around bout it. >.>

Sunday, November 2, 2008

from the immortal words of Kal.... 'November Misery'

this is the time where girugamesh's puzzle fucking rules my fucking world.

I wonder what it'll be like if there was no one there to support you in every way?
I'll tell you it feels like the fucking world is ready to collapse on you.
then again having that support still causes u hell.
But we still bear with it.
Probably because its better than the world collapsing on you.

Friday, October 31, 2008


Mood: Tired
Listening to: 独心中 - Lovin'

Yesterday at work... was fucking tiring.
After that we went straight to BCC.
When we finally got home and I slept...
I had to wake up early cause Nada had to get her stupid report card. I didn't mind... cause I got to see JP.~ lol.

As I stepped inside my room after we came home.
I immediately picked up my bass and camera and started filming covers...

don't blame me if I look shit tired. T-T

Friday, October 24, 2008

Motzy and his fake wet dreams <=3 [perv moment]


Okie, first of all... The Title is completely and utterly nonsense...

Well, not really.

Work has been eventful. I've been doing some things, important things, things that had deadlines and all. Which I found really pressuring at times. Lol.

I'm glad its already the weekend. But then again its ending so soon and its kinda depressing.

One more week left then October is over.


And I thought it was just the beginning of everything.
I took a risk. I just realized it.

What a fucking mess I say.
I'm actually happy with my job and with my love.
Now, all I need is actual money that I earn from my own blood and sweat. That would be the day. Oh wellz.

I seriously want to improve my Japanese again.
I'm still bad at it. All I know are the basics.

Speaking of Japanese.
I did a cover of alice nine's RAINBOWS this afternoon. weee~
Nada was being funny as fuck.

Watch it to amuse yourself.~

Me and Renz had a gap between us and I suddenly felt really really afraid that I would lose him the way I lost... yea. It was a nasty loss I tell you. A lot of pain was caused and I didn't take it very well. After all that, I think I went all a little bitter and angry. But in the end I realized it wasn't my fault. It was just another thing that had to happen.

I just read that a 10 year old boy self-taught himself 10 different languages!
My GOD! if I was that disciplined at that age and younger I would already be fluent in Japanese, Arabic, and Madarin.
DAMN! I'm going to start learning Japanese again~ wooohooo~

Monday, October 20, 2008

Random Thoughts #2

More crap I found on Xanga.

No matter how much I try. I will always end up crying just cause one sentence wasn't supposed to hurt me the way it did.

I will always find my way clear, now that you're here in my life.

I will never admit that I cried for him.

Why does it hurt when I see you cry?
Why do I go weak when you whisper 'I love you'?
Why does your voice soothe me?
Why does your simple words calm me?
Why does the look in your eyes make me want to kiss you?
Why does every little bit of my day remind me of you?
Why do I feel happy every single day knowing I'll see you again soon?
Why do I miss you?
Is it cause I love you?

~page 2

the cutest smile that will take your breath away;
he has the ability to make you laugh every time he speaks
& when you look at him it’s hard to turn away

and when i first met you
i never would have imagined that
i would have such strong feelings for you
i never would have thought that
i would have dreams about you
or miss being by your side
or get butterflies in my stomach
when someone mentions your name
when i first met you i never would
have thought that i would fall in love with

I want you to look at me like
you've never looked at anyone else
i want you to look at me like
i have something other girls don't

when you're down, i may not
be able to pick you back up
but i promise i'll be willing
to lay down right next to you

O_O whats up with the pretty corny quotes o-o I dont think they're corny. are they?

Random Thoughts #1

I was reading my Xanga Subscriptions and these caught my eye.

They relate to me?

want to know who your heart belongs to? it's that boy you get cute for in the mornings. (true)

We all hope for a boy who, as we fix our hair,
and tug at our clothes, will grab our hands, smile,
and ask us, "now, what the heck are you trying to fix, beautiful?" (sweet)

"Friends forever", you promised. "Together till the end." We did everything together you were my best friend. When I was sad, you were by my side. When I was scared, you felt my fear. You were my best support ; if I needed you, you were there. You were the greatest friend, you always knew what to say: you made everything seem better. As long as we had each other, everything would be okay. But somewhere along the line, we slowly came apart. I was here, you were there, it tore a hole in my heart. Things are changing, our cheerful music reversed its tune. It was like having salt without pepper, a sun without its moon. Suddenly we`re miles apart, two different people with nothing the same. It`s as if we hadn`t been friends ; Although deep in our hearts we knew neither one of us was to blame. You made many new friends, & luckily so had I, but that didn`t change the hurt ; the loss of our friendship made me cry. As we grow older, things must change. But they don`t always have to end. Even though it`s different ; you will always be my best friend.
(this happened to me)

It's all those simple things you do.
Wait for me to leave for our next class.
Smile at me in the middle of a crowd.
Catch my eye as you walk before me.
Glide your hand across mine as we walk beside each other.
Kiss my neck because you know that's my favorite.
You've memorized what I love.

If a boy really likes you
he doesn't care how tired he is.
How much homework he has or how late it is.
He'll talk to you.

And that's when you realize
He's the boy you're crazy for.
The one who makes you laugh on the worst days.
He's not perfect, but neither are you.
Sometimes he's dorky, but he's your dork.
He kisses you in the rain and dances with no music,
Even though he knows it's cliché.
He made you realize it is possible
to have permanent butterflies.
Every love song makes sense because of him,
Because he loves you, and you love him.

i don't want him to be perfect. I want him to laugh at me, trip me, then help me back up, pick me up and throw me into the pool, make me laugh for hours, and take me out. But most of all, i just want him to love me.

(I love you baby)

Saturday, October 18, 2008

you cannot be serious.

mood: sad, coughing + wanting.
listening to: WORLD END - FLOW (Thank you baby for getting me into this band)

Oh joy, its Sunday.
Usually I would be happy about it. I would have the whole house to myself. I could play with Nada's guitar without asking. I could do anything. But now, I'm not even going to be in it.
I still haven't gotten used to the timings, and the fact that I actually go to work and miss everything that happens at home. I get home at 6pm and just go online and search for some tutorials that'll help me with InDesign & Illustrator.

Thursday, Nada and Nasser didn't have school. So Nasser made mom and all of us go with him to Seef. Nada and I, decided to separate from the group and just have our little sisterly time together.

Friday, as excited as Jp was, we (me, sawsy, & nada) went to BCC. Lol we immediately got lost in the elevator in the parking. We didn't know which floor to take... lol it was hilarious actually.
Met up with luv and checked out Virgin records. I saw old acquaintance, he happened to work at Virgin. I found it ironic somehow. He was totally hitting on Sawsy. *laughs* He wouldn't stop talking to her. Luv, wouldn't stop laughing. I had to drag him away so he would stop laughing. Sheesh luv. Went to a Ice Cream place, watched nada eat, and waited. We actually saw one of our Aunties with Ismael. (SHOCKER) I know right and We were with Jp. He insistently hid. Lol.

So we saw Robbie, Kal, and Faisal. Went to a Coffee shop with them on the way I saw our Aunt once again I was so glad she didn't really see me (Nada and Sawsy decided to get lost somewhere and didn't join us until later) amongst the 4 guys or I would be in BIG ASS shit.
Right Coffee... it was fun and I miss you Jp. *pouts*

Luv, you make me hella happy. Haha. Don't you dare buy me more stuff or I steal your wallet whenever we go out. I love you.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Post 856

and... its back to work for me.
I researched on interns (feels like renz, lol) and Internships aren't supposed to last more than 10 weeks or so but I think mine will last until the company finds an actual graphics designer then I'll be kicked off my seat. I don't mind. I actually don't really want to be in there anymore. No matter how awesome the working environment is. *sigh* I would be more into it if I actually was getting paid. But I'm not so I'll have to bear with the whole idea of me being an intern for 10 more weeks or so. *sighs somemore*

At least, now I know what I want to study and what career path I want to be in. *sighs somemore* I don't think AMA has a course thats close to graphics designing. I also got the real feel of being around actual graphic designers and I learn alot too~ Yay~! for me.

The hours are killing me actually. I get home at 7pm. I go online learn more about designing and all that, check email, Talk to luv then sleep.


Oh wellz, I'm being a lazy ass.

Sunday, October 12, 2008


listening to: into the dark - lycaon (this is some awesome dark trance shit. rite there)

Last night and the whole day today.
Having a fever ain't that bad.
I got luv all worried and crap. Don't worry~ I'll get well soon.
I'm going to work tomorrow.

I don't want this internship to go to waste.

I miss JROCK sooo much. Despite the fact that I listen to it while I work.
I just miss downloading all the new crap.

Oh well... I wonder what will happen after I'm done with the internship. It has only been a week and I'm wondering already? lol well, whatever seems right.

I'm supposed to be burning a couple of cds for nikki and nichelle. It sucks being the #1 drama asian source. *laughs on the inside*

That reminds me I have to burn myself some copies just in case my notebook crashes.

Oh crap, my fever came back.
>.> grrr...

I'm going to learn how to play namida no ondo on the guitar & bass~ weeee~

I miss talking to panda now. T-T

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Shadow March?

Listening to Nada cough.

The girl is going to get me sick.

I don't feel like blogging anymore.

I'm going to go read the Basic Design book

I'm determined to reach the same level I am in photoshop in both Illustrator and Indesign. That reminds me I should practice doing vectors. I pretty much don't remember how to do it. Since it has been almost a year since I did vectors.

This is kinda pissing me off a bit.
I'm not really enjoying being 16. ._.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

(_ _)zZZzZZz

I think I've yawned more than 15 times already. 

I want to eat... 


listening to: devil beside you OST.

Nasreen! what the fuck did you put in my tea? I nearly fell asleep while I was making a freaking layout. That never happens! The tea is bad.! very. it tastes so good. but it has chemicals that make you sleep in it.

I can barely stay awake and this isn't school I can't just doze off when I want to.

I'm going to make myself busy and try to wake my brain up by typing this.

I'm currently staring at Design Basic books. I'm going to take one home for the whole weekend. I seriously feel so small here.

I'll post this up at 11:30.

Dads coming home today. I think hes already at the house. yay!
Saw JP this morning. ~ haha
Mom drove him to AMA. lol. So weird.
She likes him and sorta feels sorry for him cause hes alone all the time.

*stares at fingers*
I miss playing the bass so much...

List of Books that lay on my desk:
Brochure Design : Best Of
Basic Design: Image
Basic Design: Layout
Best of : Brochure Design (2nd)
Graphic Brochures
Best of: Brochure Design (3rd)
Geometry of Design

Shan's fav Rainie song just came on!! YAY!!!!

few more minutes and I go back to work.

renren!! if you're reading this. would you call me please. like if you're awake. Doesn't matter just call me! anytime today. >>; Jp too... if you're at home.

NADA!! call me too. >> haha. A.D.D. Kills...

Wednesday, October 8, 2008


I dont feel so good. 
I'm freezing my ass off and I'm so freaking tired for no freaking reason. 

I'm supposed to be reading Geometry of Design right now and nothings getting into my head and it annoys me and its so not me. Yea, I think I am sick. 

Grrr. . .

I miss playing the bass. 


Yesterday, I took about 3-4 hours making multiply t-shirt designs for a big project since the Designer that's in-charge of it was absent for 2 days now.
I find it really intriguing that almost all of them forget that I'm 16 and throw jobs I can't possibly deal with. I'm actually too young to work. I'm not allowed. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

But no one has to know.

I haven't started the 4 layout covers I had to recreate. >.>

I hope I get paid.
If I don't get paid then I hope I can get off early cause I want time to like research and read tutorials on indesign and all.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

and here comes it.~

Lol. The title is so random. 

I can't speak 'internet' here. LOL

I'm like pissed happy. Someone out there knows why. 

Alright, I'll looking at 4 brochure design books. 
My new project would be doing 3 or more covers. 
Its going to take me a long 3-4 hours. But I'll bear with it. 
I feel like a kid who knows nothing. 
Well, I am not exactly a kid. But I do know nothing. 
I just got a hang of Mac machines. My Mac has freaking garageband. 

Full account comes later if I have time. 

Monday, October 6, 2008

Brochure Designing

I've been messing around on indesign for 2 hours now and I think I got a hang of it. 
Grrz... I got to show Liam. 

Alright back to work. 

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Restrain from sleeping at all costs.


I'm freaking sleepy.
But I refuse to go to bed. I have shit loads of crap to do.
My first day at work was awesome. Everyone was friendly and cool. The people in my department are awesome. Lol. If I work there for like 6 months straight I'll get the british accent. yay~

Last night was the best.~ haha. it was fun.
I'm not going into details.

*reads more tutorials*



I can't view my own blog here. >>;

at work

I'm not 100% sure if I'm supposed to be blogging in the middle of work. 
But I'll do it anyways. 

I slept over at Nasreen's apartment at Riffa just for the first day of work. 
I wasn't really nervous which is completely weird cause I'm never calm. 

I'm currently playing around on Indesign. 
I attended 2 meetings. Which I found cool. 
Before, I finish the page layout, I'm doing, I wanted to blog... 
I just called Kal. He's back in Bahrain. Yay! 

LOL. Yea dude... You called me at work~ 
I officially love my job. *happiness* 
I pretty much just help the others. 
The coolest part is that I'm in the Creative Department. *awesomeness* 

anyways... one more hour before I get off. 
I blog about last night when I get home. 

Friday, October 3, 2008

I miss these blue walls

I miss this place soo much.
Too many memories... too many memories.

I miss the yans.
I miss wenwen.
I miss hun.

I miss everyone!!


My first simple attempt of typography ~


The beach was pretty fun.
Uncle boyet was so fucking drunk. hahaha. He kept on talking on and on. So hilarious.
I got my flesh scraped off my little pinky toe. Stupid rocks.

this is just a brief account since I'm pretty much busy with other things like... TYPOGRAPHY.

ないない。(nickname given to me by wenwen)

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Waking up terrified.

One mistake and it ruins moods fast.
It scares me.
I'll sleep depressed knowing I hurt him.
I'll wake up scared again. I don't really know how, or why I wake up terrified.
It usually happens when I sleep uneasy or depressed.
So what am I scared of? Why do I wake up scared?
Is it cause I know the day will bring only grief? or is it cause something bad's going to happen and I can change it by not waking up at all?

Don't think about it Naj. You're just attracting more depression if you think this way.
remember the secret.

listening to...

エ - E
ト - TO
セ - SE
ト - TO
ラ - RA
世 - YO
の - no
中 - naka
shredder.~ lol


at pizza hut.

the wind is amazing so me and nada went out walking outside~

The Theory of Music & Typography

Listening to: Dear my love ~ Miyavi


After getting pissed at renz and watching several things that were left unwatched a few days ago.
I opened photoshop and started experimenting with the so called genre 'typography'. It seems easy but its not when you don't understand it at all. I tried and I failed. Now, I'm going to try again after I do further research on its mysterious, simple yet complex nature. It drives me mad sometimes. When someone knows how to do something cool such as typography and I know nothing of it.
I started at one typography work for about 20 minutes before I got how everything is made. THEY ARE ALL MADE IN ILLUSTRATOR. *dies*

Tomorrow morning after printing out more of my artwork for my portfolio. I am determined to download illustrator and play around with it until I get the actual concept of typography.

Theory of Music ~

Tabbing will be WAY easier if I knew the music theory and all that. Scales, Melody, Pitch, Harmony, Rhythm & Texture or the form of structure.

I'll study that later on.

I swear... when I start working I'll be so much of a workaholic again. I'll be motivated to do a lot more than just play or rest after work.

I can't wait to say hello to tired days. woo~hoo~

Wednesday, October 1, 2008


I GOT THE JOB~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!!!


Interview ~

right now~

wish me luck~~~

Monday, September 29, 2008

The Secret. ~

Opened my eyes. Now, I know the secret. ~

“The secret is the answer to all that has been all this is and all that will be” - Ralph Waldo Emerson 1803-1882

“You create your own universe as you go along” - Winston Churchill 1874-1965

“Take the first step in faith you don’t have to see the whole staircase just take the first step” - Martin Luther King Jr. 1929-1968

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought.” - Buddha

“Whatever we think about and thank about we bring about.” - John Demartini

“What power this is I cannot say. All that I know is that it exists.” - Alexander Graham Bell 1847-1922

“Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life’s coming attractions.” - Albert Einstein 1879-1955

“What you resist persists.” - Carl Jung 1875-1961

“All power is from within and is therefore under our control” - Robert Collier 1885-1950

“Whether you think you can or can’t either way you are right.” - Henry Ford 1863-1947

“Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls” - Joseph Campbell 1904-1987

"Your mission is the mission you give yourself " ~ Neale Donald Walsch

Friday, September 26, 2008

Is there more to it?

Listening to : アトリ - 斜GIRL(not as good as I thought they would be)/ 蜃気楼 - Matenrou Opera(current fav song)

If only I could speak my mind without hurting my pride so much.
I've taken down all my paintings and hidden them. Sometimes mom doesn't see my love for art and she rarely appreciates it. Its like support is at 0%. When it comes to something I love the most. If she doesn't understand it she won't appreciate it as I appreciate every little thing everyone does.
Whether its writing, cooking, anything.
I've been thinking on how I can grow as a painter. My current unfinished painting sucks so much that I want to throw it out. I have to spend more time on it. 5 hours isn't enough anymore.

Nasreen called me last night asking if I wanted to work at the graphics design department where she works. Of course, its an internship at my age. No pay, I'll just do as I am told, watch and learn from the experts. I have to put together a portfolio. Since this company has HIGH standards. Even for interns. I guess they only hire the best. I'm not 100% sure I'll get the job. But its worth a try. I have a year of nothing to do. So this might be a great opportunity for me.

Seef last night was fun.
Sam (the french guy who took us to seef and back) is totally cool and the fact that hes french is awesome. He can speak arabic too. Makes me jealous. Tita Sakina (sameers mom) lol, Tita Susan and Tita Grace were all teasing me. "Do you have a date today, Naj?" Lol I didn't say anything. "You're sitting next to your Mother-in-law" they all laugh. (I played along and laughed with them)
I don't know why but Tita Grace touched my knee and said "No, you're for sameer. You know hes coming here in march right?" LMAO~ Fuck that ladies... I don't like that asshole player. I might have been in love with him at one point. But now... I hate his guts. If I see him again I'll fucking rip his eyeballs from his sockets and feed it to him like grapes. Even when hes not here they still pair me up with him! whats the deal ladies? Don't tell me you're going to make me kiss him again. Grrr... I loathe that ass. The fact that hes actually the only guy (who is 18 and not related to us) allowed in our house for no reason. My dad likes him. sucks. And if my grandmother wasn't here he would sleep over. Gah. stay away u ass. >.> You try talking to me and I'll hit u hard. Doesn't help at all. Nope. *hides under blankie*

Ran to the cinema. Nada actually took off her slippers then she had to put them back cause the security guard came and told her to put them back on. Lol. Fucking dick. He also forbid us to run. Fuck you. We can do whatever we want. NOT. >.> they suck.
Saw JP from a distance. Turns out everyone already went in. I did not know there were like more than 5 people with Nikki. lol. I miss the yans. T-T
We watched "For the first time" Lol I didn't expect to watch it at all. LOL. Movie was okay. Great acting for KC's first movie. Shes so pretty. *stares* LOL. alrite moving on. >.>
I'm not at liberty to write everything here yet. But I will when the time comes.

Wait till November.~ lol msg to u~ you know who u are.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

when a single touch means more than it should

Can u see this now?

listening to: discord ~ ルーシー
(FYI, renz was the one who wrote and posted two of my recent entries before this. So ignore his lame attempt of being me.)

After two months of tears and pain. My life started to brighten a little... okay a lot.
I feel wiser in a sense. I've somehow slept and woke up with every word I've learnt and forgotten once, embedded hard on my mind. I find it trivial actually since I tend to forget it if I haven't used it. Now, I think this post is trivial.

After all my unrequited loves and the pain I went through during that time. I feel free somehow. I guess I finally let go of the third and let something true come in I guess. haha

3 times.
It happened 3 times. After that. I thought I would have given up on love. Guess not.
It grew worse each time. The 1st was puppy love. The second hurt bad. The third. Well... u could guess.

Note to self: always go to Nasreen and the gays for advice.
I love older sisters. They're good for a lot of things when they're done being teenagers.



it's still not working *cries*

i know im lame

2nd Response on renz's second attempt of being me:
Hahahahaha! yes, u are lame wenwen. Do you remember why or how we ended up giving each other our passwords? Lolz.! when we've known each other for like what? only 5 months?! lmao.~ woah and we've been through alot already. I wubs u and nix to death. *nuggles u both*


gah this sucks...
my msn isn't working properly >.> , and noor wants to send me the special features of Hana Yori Dango T.T she's got the realllllllll originall DVD!

I want T_T

Grr... >_>

Renz isn't helping fix things as well, stupid bff he's been annoying me all morning.

annoyed.. ill come back later


Response to Renz's 1st attempt of being me:
LOL hun. First of all... noor doesn't even know what hana yori dango is. You writing inaccurate facts is going to be a big problem. Lol. either way... u can pass for being me. wuv u~

when its awesome ~




Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Bahrain's Talent?

Usual morning routine would always put a newspaper in my hands.
Reading page after page, something caught my eye.
The words 'Music Mania' & 'Bahrain's talented youth' immediately made be read the article by Krazy Kevin. I thought of Mon~sUn joining it. But we lack practice and we've never played as a band yet. So this is just another opportunity I'll leave out. I told Kevin about it. He totally loves me now. haha. not literally of course. He would as usual say 'you the man'. He'll join it. . . I think.

I also thought of joining Splashes Design for sucess contest but I can't go out to marina mall just to pick up a form. Odius piece of shit. I really like joining random contests that fit my genre. Something where I can either draw, photoshop, photograph, design, and play (music wise). The first contest I joined was shocking. I ended up being the first to get featured out of alot of entries.

My muse is back and I'm inspired to do everything and anything right now. But where to start?

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

My stupidity is a curse II

Yes, my stupidity is really a curse.
Posting something online that would embarrass you if your own friends actually read it.
Lets just say there are somethings I'm not proud of and that's 'unrequited'.
I need to work on it EXCESSIVELY. I've already edited parts. But I've been interrupted and I wasn't in the mood anymore.

Like now.

Monday, September 15, 2008

My stupidity is a curse

I don't remember why exactly I posted up 'Unrequited' online.
Exposure? No way. Was it for someone specific to read? Oh yeah, Kobby. I wrote a chapter and mentioned a few lines to him so he wanted to read it. I think its as simple as it is now cause I wrote most of it for him. Why'd I do it? Well, He was always there. Before Ren, I used to talk to kobby for hours on end.

The story behind 'Unrequited'.

Jane Austen as you all know is one of my favorite authors.
She wrote many forms of 'Love' stories. Non of which are close to 'unrequited', unless we're talking about Anne and Fredrick. That was not really unrequited. Fredrick, a rejected, cold, angry heart comes back into Anne life and treats her so coldly and yet they still love each other after so many years. so sad.

I wrote the first chapter of unrequited in hopes that maybe, just maybe. I'll have something written as good as hers but with a different love theme. My characters will not have what they want the most. Since I don't. I'll torture them in the same way unrequited love tortures a heart. The same way it tortured mine. Shallow pain mixed with jealousy, hatred and non-existent hope.
At that time, I guess I had a really hard time finding another outlet to vent out on. Art isn't enough anymore. I just wrote everything down. I made stories closely related to me or stories I wished would happen to me. Lets just say they're just dreams on paper then. Unrequited is nothing more than mere dabbles on paper that became something larger. Something I took seriously. Something that made me think that maybe I could live by my pen.

Then writers/artists block occurred. It lasted 4 months. I haven't written anything. Expect small paragraphs of my actual feelings and messed up and bad works of art.
Then the dam broke. I sorta don't need to vent out on anywhere recently. Just on Renz. HAHAHAHA.

This entry is supposed to be longer. But... ren interrupted and my mood to blog disappeared.
So you have him to thank.

Gokusen Ep. 10

I'm so stupid. I just downloaded Ep.9 again instead of Ep.10.

Is Nasreen even coming?

Sunday, September 14, 2008

when japanese is easy...


this is a random post.

cause I miss my random posts.

Oh and I'm a mod on Jrockheaven now.


listening to: lestat - 9goats black out

(at AMA)

I got paired with Kal and then Andy. Stop changing our freaking partners I want to be paired with Kal. T-T Oh whatever. Andy it is. They cut down from 8 couples to 5. Half of the people can't make it to Andulus Park. We gots practice on Tuesday and Thrusday. I have to bring my heels and practice with them on. 3 inchs. the pain. We have to bring food too. *hitshead*

5 days till the party. *dies*

this is going to be a short entry.

I dont feel like writing anything else.

Friday, September 12, 2008

A reminder in solitude

I'm completely blank.
Maybe after this sentence I'll be writing like crazy.

The days are going too fast.
One week till the party and I don't think I'll get the steps right. I don't think my dress fits the theme and I doubt anyone could careless.
Yesterday, I entered the empty hallways of the university and thought 'damn, this is nice' I think I'll actually like going there. All the teachers are Filipino. The class rooms are big and the people well the people I'll probably know some of them.
We entered the classroom they were practicing in. Damn. I was the only one who didn't even know the basics. But I think I got a hang of it, I think. There are several formations. First, being the V that'll slowly brake when we curtsy and bow then start with the waltz to form a heart then straight lines. We sway from side to side then form a circle. We waltz in one big circle then then stop and waltz forward then switch partners.
10 minute bathroom break. I put on my dress for Nikki to see. She said it didn't really fit the theme but it'll do. Since I doubt mom will get my other dress fitted.
I'm worried now that I'll stand out too much. If it happens then screw it. The guys will be in bow ties. *laughs in the inside*

After everyone left. Me, Nada, Nikki and Ej had trouble finding a ride. We called several taxi companies and people who could give us a ride. All said one thing 'Busy'. Until we found a taxi driver who was nice enough to pick us up and take us to Funland. Turns out I had to pay for the taxi. I only had 10 damnit. Thank God! Mariel paid for Nikki otherwise I wouldn't get to skate.
We got in and it was completely empty. Poked Bestfriend hello and straight to get some skates.
I couldn't hug him damnit. They were pissed at him and they expect me to be mad at him too. Gah. I couldn't do anything normal with him without thinking of what Nikki would say to me afterwards in anger. Gah its like shes controlling me now and its making sick. gah. Right, boundaries. I can't cross boundaries. Why do I even have to please her? Everyone else didn't mind what I did. Whatever. Thats the past now.

After we left funland I couldn't care less. Haha I walked with Ren. We were all in pairs.

*Nada laughing in the background*

Shes watching Gokusen 3.
Last night was hilarious.
She was sleeping soundly so I just did whatever on Yoshihiko.
"Robbie, go over there" she said in her sleep. That actually scared me at first. I was like what? You talking to me? *laughs*

Last night, I was reading that book I started writing in. Its basically a diary. But I don't really call it a diary. Since its contents are just about one person. Well half of it.
I find it stupid to read something that'll hurt me and possibly you. Its so obvious it was all written in anger or pain. Reminders of what I felt and what I'm feeling now. I need to finish it before you leave. I'm planning to give it to you as a going away present. If you can call a book filled with my thoughts, a present. I think I wrote 'I hate you' more than the opposite, in that book. it makes me laugh. I think I write in it the most when I'm angry.

Thursday, September 11, 2008


the title means nothing.

pic... cause I'm vain.
why do I remind myself of maha? Why? WHY?!

Went to dance practice at AMA university. I'm paired with Ej. crap.
Umm met new friends. Emer and JP. Jp is nadas partner. I'll be dancing with him as well when we change partners. I can't dance btw. Gah. I think Jp likes me. Lets see here. Umm hes always standing next to me, He wanted to see my hair down, He tried lifting me, He laid on my lap, He said "Your boyfriend is going to kill me because of this" while we were dancing I only said "What boyfriend? I dont have one". That was a great way to find out whether or not I had a boyfriend. Haha. oh joy.
Hes sweet and nada gets along with him. Which is a good sign. haha.
I think he'll be texting soon.


Correction he doesn't like me. Its just the way he is.

After pratice we had a hard time finding a ride to funland. We ended up taking a freaking taxi.
It was mary's late bday party. Skated, then walked to mcdonalds. Hung around till mauree came with robbie and Kal.

I have a lot on my mind. I can't type everything down here cause... well ren reads this. ._.

Oh yea ren, Hedgehog in japanese is Harinezumi.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

eat you alive.

I woke up scared. Terrified.
I didn't have a nightmare. I just woke up scared.
I think this happens when I sleep depressed or when my heads not settled. Its like I'm scared to wake up. Subconsciously I'm scared to wake up and meet the next thing that comes to me. The next thing that'll shatter me again. Brake my few days of happiness. I feel 13 again. The age when I wasn't allowed to smile. It hurts to find out that someone so very close to you back stabs you, hates you secretly.

Now, I'm wondering what did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this? Why'd she do it? Does she really hate me?

After all this I don't think I can trust anyone anymore. Not my sisters, not my cousins, not even my best friends. No one but myself.

I just feel so hated right now.
So fucking hated.

I can't stand much more. If I find out my own best friend is back stabbing me or Nasreen doing it too. I'll fucking kill myself. You just have no idea how much it hurts.

That ventor is really starting to piss me off big time.
Immature & Childish.
Venting out on how much you hate ren on me "his BEST FRIEND". Is stupid. I mean who in the right world would do that unless I hate him too. Guess what I dont. Gez. If you hate the person shouldn't you NOT be talking about him so much. seriously. If he wasn't in every one of our conversations we would have nothing to talk about.

Monday, September 8, 2008

The art of preserving what is important to you.

Listening to: gokusen epi. 3 in the background.

*cough* I copied the title from a news article *cough*

Last night I had this huge headache. So I decided to sleep early. After saying my good nights to Ren. I turned my settings on my phone to silent in hopes to have an excuse and/or ignore a phone call from a ventor. I woke up at 12:28am cause of my phone vibrating. I checked and I got a message and 3 miss calls, 2 from kevs and one from a landline phone. The message was from kevs too. He was asking if I was awake. I wasn't. I'm sleeping late today. I wanna know whats going on with Kevs. I haven't spoken to him in 3 days.

I woke up at 6am today to Nada typing her way on my Yoshihiko. I got up and "What the hell are you doing on my notebook?" I asked. She answered with a "I wanna check if Tokio Hotel won" I immediately didn't care and attempted to fall back to sleep. She woke me once again in what felt like 20 minutes but it was only 5. She told me they won. I celebrated with a Yay! then fell back to sleep. Last thing I heard from her was "Bye Naj!" She always says bye even though she knows I'm way into dreamland.

I had a weird dream. It involves Nasreens guy friends and they thinking I'm cute. (。_o)
Muri dayo. (。A 。)つ I was being stalked by this really hot guy. I don't remember much.
I'm trying to forget it.

congrats th

Sunday, September 7, 2008

When its full.

Listening to: nadas music. Which is distance - zwei (on replay >.>)


"I can't believe myself. I just love someone and immediately say that they won't like me back. Since when have I been so without hope. How did I turn out this way?"
- July 26, 2006

Easy, Hes name is Mahmood.
During your attempt to not fall you fall anyways for that asswipe. You totally have no control of your heart. You should do something about that before you get over this one and fall for someone worse than your current 'someone'.

"Enough. I've had enough. Its already been a year. Nothings going to happen. He barely notices me. I'm being neglected like usual."
- March 2005

Right on!

Time for a recent entry. Ren will love this.

"You decided to be a pathetic prick. Lets see here. You ranted out about her like usual. It reached so high. I read all the crap you liked about her. This should be hurting me so badly like always. But dude. I'm not in pain.
Thank GOD! I'm one step closer to getting over you"
- August 1st, 2008.

That day I was so freaking happy. I actually rolled over my bed and fell laughing my ass off.

"I'm quiet. I'm just letting it burn inside me. Less pain please. I'm dieing here"

- Sept. 1st, 2008

Lol sarcasm is intended at the last two sentences.

My grammar before sucked so much when I wrote.
Lol. I read my old poem/short story book. I finished it on Jan 2008. My fav there would be the fanfiction about Anne Elliot and Fredrick Wentworth. My victorianess is ♥.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

when its time to refill

listening to: jewel - MANNEQUIN/ silent eve - sadie

I read my old diaries today.
I just remembered how it felt like to... to be eaten alive by all that pain, hate and anger.
I hated that feeling. I don't know how I lived through it. But I did.

"It makes me laugh how I just stand there and stare and take whatever I've seen. Take every dagger that stabs me. While I watch the things that hurt me every time I think about it happen right in front of me. Why am I even taking everything? I don't remember the reason anymore. Why do I keep on... I don't have a reason anymore do I? Or am I filled with to much anger to even think straight. Fuck. Its eating me alive."
- Sept. 06, 2006.

I should really consider burning the books. They're depressing and I hate it. I hate being reminded. Why do I even keep diaries?
Being reminded of all that crap I went through what I'm going through. Its just shit. Its being written over and over again in each book for each year.

"Why won't I bleed more? Why do I have to hide the scars? I hate hiding them."
- March. 23, 2006.

I still ask the same questions.

"Its an addiction. Its no longer for relief. I do it when I'm bored, when I find scissors laying around I pick it up and do it. No one catches me. No one notices. So its okay. Its fucking okay."
- March. 23, 2006 2nd entry.

Its not okay, you bitch. I don't remember how I got out of that addiction.

"I stopped. I found no reasons to be sad anymore. I'm over him. They've all stopped being the way they were to me. All fights fixed. All reasons to frown gone. I'm happy. I'm actually happy."
- Dec. 3, 2006.

D.E.N.I.A.L. You even lie in diaries. Nice Naj.

"Why'd it have to be this way? I don't even fucking talk to him. How the hell did I fall in the first place? Because hes an ass? cause the way he smirked was hot? cause we had our small playful moments? cause I hated him so fucking much that I fell for him? This doesn't make sense."

- 12:00pm

"The fucking asshole is attempting to court Nikki. Why is it always her? Yea, shes pretty. Shes sweet. But hello! shes a god forsaken flirt. Who would do things men would like "subconsciously"Fuck that. Subconsciously my ass. I hate her. I can't stand her. Tita Sakina can't stand her. Why'd I fucking react in front of him? He smirked. That stupid fucking smirk I wanted to fucking slap his face. Fuck u asshole. Die in hell. I'm not going to talk to you for shit. You shot dead my fucking self esteem when I was 11 and it wasn't fucking pretty. I still remember it to this day. Yea, join forces with Nasreen I don't fucking care. Be a fucking asshole and burn my soul alive."
-6:28pm July 16,2006.

The days where I hated my boo. I love her to death now.
I don't care if the guy I like likes her. I've pretty much been through it before and being angry is just a waste of time and energy. But it still stung a bit. I guess.
I should Thank sam though. He was the reason why I started drawing. I wanted to feel better about myself so fucking bad that I started doing so much crap at the same time. I wanna rub it in his face the next time I see him.
Tita Sakina is his mom. Me and her are close. I love her. Shes awesome.

One more quote.

"I'm completely blank. I spent 2 hours staring into nothing. As usual no one really noticed.
I think this is the last stage of my depression. I haven't cried in a year and 3 months. I took the pain and buried it deep behind the dam. How long will it stand this time?" - January 2007

It stood for 2 more months then it fell. Man. I was so close to 2 years.
I remember those days. I used to feel like crying so freaking easily.
There was too much there I guess. Anyone could make me cry. I would always just turn around and walk away to regain my composure. My eyes were so cold and empty back then. It showed only one emotion, emotion that was barely there. When I laughed, smiled, grinned... everything. I think I was stronger before then I am now.

On second thought I won't get rid of these books.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

smoking ; regretting ; defeated

wyd: regretting
music: Ijiwarukuu - Guy's Family (disbanded. *huggles them*)

The moment you walked out. I stared at Nasreen and Kei sharing the last cig.
I immediately wondered to myself what its like to smoke.
"Can I try?" I asked
"Are you serious?"
I took the cig she offered. You walked in.
I made a gesture to try to give it back to her. But you said you won't stop me.
So I went for it. I tried it out... I pretended to cough and not like it.
Are you kidding me? that was the shit right there. It felt good.
Yes, I faked the whole 'ewe... I'm never smoking'.


Oh well. Good things had to come to an end.

Usually I would write what I felt. But right now all I feel is regret and a small amount of sadness.
That just came with a realization once again. That after a few weeks. Nothings going to happen. After everything. I think I began to subconsciously not hope or expect anything from anyone.
Like today. I didn't expect and I was not disappointed. I guess I'm just pretty passive when it comes to this crap.

Motzy told me something tonight.
"sort of, the next in line instead of the one who was there all along"
Its incomplete. Obviously.
Lets just say. That got me thinking.

Enough of this crap.
Time to laugh and watch Gokusen!