Monday, September 29, 2008

The Secret. ~

Opened my eyes. Now, I know the secret. ~

“The secret is the answer to all that has been all this is and all that will be” - Ralph Waldo Emerson 1803-1882

“You create your own universe as you go along” - Winston Churchill 1874-1965

“Take the first step in faith you don’t have to see the whole staircase just take the first step” - Martin Luther King Jr. 1929-1968

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought.” - Buddha

“Whatever we think about and thank about we bring about.” - John Demartini

“What power this is I cannot say. All that I know is that it exists.” - Alexander Graham Bell 1847-1922

“Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life’s coming attractions.” - Albert Einstein 1879-1955

“What you resist persists.” - Carl Jung 1875-1961

“All power is from within and is therefore under our control” - Robert Collier 1885-1950

“Whether you think you can or can’t either way you are right.” - Henry Ford 1863-1947

“Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls” - Joseph Campbell 1904-1987

"Your mission is the mission you give yourself " ~ Neale Donald Walsch

Friday, September 26, 2008

Is there more to it?

Listening to : アトリ - 斜GIRL(not as good as I thought they would be)/ 蜃気楼 - Matenrou Opera(current fav song)

If only I could speak my mind without hurting my pride so much.
I've taken down all my paintings and hidden them. Sometimes mom doesn't see my love for art and she rarely appreciates it. Its like support is at 0%. When it comes to something I love the most. If she doesn't understand it she won't appreciate it as I appreciate every little thing everyone does.
Whether its writing, cooking, anything.
I've been thinking on how I can grow as a painter. My current unfinished painting sucks so much that I want to throw it out. I have to spend more time on it. 5 hours isn't enough anymore.

Nasreen called me last night asking if I wanted to work at the graphics design department where she works. Of course, its an internship at my age. No pay, I'll just do as I am told, watch and learn from the experts. I have to put together a portfolio. Since this company has HIGH standards. Even for interns. I guess they only hire the best. I'm not 100% sure I'll get the job. But its worth a try. I have a year of nothing to do. So this might be a great opportunity for me.

Seef last night was fun.
Sam (the french guy who took us to seef and back) is totally cool and the fact that hes french is awesome. He can speak arabic too. Makes me jealous. Tita Sakina (sameers mom) lol, Tita Susan and Tita Grace were all teasing me. "Do you have a date today, Naj?" Lol I didn't say anything. "You're sitting next to your Mother-in-law" they all laugh. (I played along and laughed with them)
I don't know why but Tita Grace touched my knee and said "No, you're for sameer. You know hes coming here in march right?" LMAO~ Fuck that ladies... I don't like that asshole player. I might have been in love with him at one point. But now... I hate his guts. If I see him again I'll fucking rip his eyeballs from his sockets and feed it to him like grapes. Even when hes not here they still pair me up with him! whats the deal ladies? Don't tell me you're going to make me kiss him again. Grrr... I loathe that ass. The fact that hes actually the only guy (who is 18 and not related to us) allowed in our house for no reason. My dad likes him. sucks. And if my grandmother wasn't here he would sleep over. Gah. stay away u ass. >.> You try talking to me and I'll hit u hard. Doesn't help at all. Nope. *hides under blankie*

Ran to the cinema. Nada actually took off her slippers then she had to put them back cause the security guard came and told her to put them back on. Lol. Fucking dick. He also forbid us to run. Fuck you. We can do whatever we want. NOT. >.> they suck.
Saw JP from a distance. Turns out everyone already went in. I did not know there were like more than 5 people with Nikki. lol. I miss the yans. T-T
We watched "For the first time" Lol I didn't expect to watch it at all. LOL. Movie was okay. Great acting for KC's first movie. Shes so pretty. *stares* LOL. alrite moving on. >.>
I'm not at liberty to write everything here yet. But I will when the time comes.

Wait till November.~ lol msg to u~ you know who u are.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

when a single touch means more than it should

Can u see this now?

listening to: discord ~ ルーシー
(FYI, renz was the one who wrote and posted two of my recent entries before this. So ignore his lame attempt of being me.)

After two months of tears and pain. My life started to brighten a little... okay a lot.
I feel wiser in a sense. I've somehow slept and woke up with every word I've learnt and forgotten once, embedded hard on my mind. I find it trivial actually since I tend to forget it if I haven't used it. Now, I think this post is trivial.

After all my unrequited loves and the pain I went through during that time. I feel free somehow. I guess I finally let go of the third and let something true come in I guess. haha

3 times.
It happened 3 times. After that. I thought I would have given up on love. Guess not.
It grew worse each time. The 1st was puppy love. The second hurt bad. The third. Well... u could guess.

Note to self: always go to Nasreen and the gays for advice.
I love older sisters. They're good for a lot of things when they're done being teenagers.



it's still not working *cries*

i know im lame

2nd Response on renz's second attempt of being me:
Hahahahaha! yes, u are lame wenwen. Do you remember why or how we ended up giving each other our passwords? Lolz.! when we've known each other for like what? only 5 months?! lmao.~ woah and we've been through alot already. I wubs u and nix to death. *nuggles u both*


gah this sucks...
my msn isn't working properly >.> , and noor wants to send me the special features of Hana Yori Dango T.T she's got the realllllllll originall DVD!

I want T_T

Grr... >_>

Renz isn't helping fix things as well, stupid bff he's been annoying me all morning.

annoyed.. ill come back later


Response to Renz's 1st attempt of being me:
LOL hun. First of all... noor doesn't even know what hana yori dango is. You writing inaccurate facts is going to be a big problem. Lol. either way... u can pass for being me. wuv u~

when its awesome ~




Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Bahrain's Talent?

Usual morning routine would always put a newspaper in my hands.
Reading page after page, something caught my eye.
The words 'Music Mania' & 'Bahrain's talented youth' immediately made be read the article by Krazy Kevin. I thought of Mon~sUn joining it. But we lack practice and we've never played as a band yet. So this is just another opportunity I'll leave out. I told Kevin about it. He totally loves me now. haha. not literally of course. He would as usual say 'you the man'. He'll join it. . . I think.

I also thought of joining Splashes Design for sucess contest but I can't go out to marina mall just to pick up a form. Odius piece of shit. I really like joining random contests that fit my genre. Something where I can either draw, photoshop, photograph, design, and play (music wise). The first contest I joined was shocking. I ended up being the first to get featured out of alot of entries.

My muse is back and I'm inspired to do everything and anything right now. But where to start?

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

My stupidity is a curse II

Yes, my stupidity is really a curse.
Posting something online that would embarrass you if your own friends actually read it.
Lets just say there are somethings I'm not proud of and that's 'unrequited'.
I need to work on it EXCESSIVELY. I've already edited parts. But I've been interrupted and I wasn't in the mood anymore.

Like now.

Monday, September 15, 2008

My stupidity is a curse

I don't remember why exactly I posted up 'Unrequited' online.
Exposure? No way. Was it for someone specific to read? Oh yeah, Kobby. I wrote a chapter and mentioned a few lines to him so he wanted to read it. I think its as simple as it is now cause I wrote most of it for him. Why'd I do it? Well, He was always there. Before Ren, I used to talk to kobby for hours on end.

The story behind 'Unrequited'.

Jane Austen as you all know is one of my favorite authors.
She wrote many forms of 'Love' stories. Non of which are close to 'unrequited', unless we're talking about Anne and Fredrick. That was not really unrequited. Fredrick, a rejected, cold, angry heart comes back into Anne life and treats her so coldly and yet they still love each other after so many years. so sad.

I wrote the first chapter of unrequited in hopes that maybe, just maybe. I'll have something written as good as hers but with a different love theme. My characters will not have what they want the most. Since I don't. I'll torture them in the same way unrequited love tortures a heart. The same way it tortured mine. Shallow pain mixed with jealousy, hatred and non-existent hope.
At that time, I guess I had a really hard time finding another outlet to vent out on. Art isn't enough anymore. I just wrote everything down. I made stories closely related to me or stories I wished would happen to me. Lets just say they're just dreams on paper then. Unrequited is nothing more than mere dabbles on paper that became something larger. Something I took seriously. Something that made me think that maybe I could live by my pen.

Then writers/artists block occurred. It lasted 4 months. I haven't written anything. Expect small paragraphs of my actual feelings and messed up and bad works of art.
Then the dam broke. I sorta don't need to vent out on anywhere recently. Just on Renz. HAHAHAHA.

This entry is supposed to be longer. But... ren interrupted and my mood to blog disappeared.
So you have him to thank.

Gokusen Ep. 10

I'm so stupid. I just downloaded Ep.9 again instead of Ep.10.

Is Nasreen even coming?

Sunday, September 14, 2008

when japanese is easy...


this is a random post.

cause I miss my random posts.

Oh and I'm a mod on Jrockheaven now.


listening to: lestat - 9goats black out

(at AMA)

I got paired with Kal and then Andy. Stop changing our freaking partners I want to be paired with Kal. T-T Oh whatever. Andy it is. They cut down from 8 couples to 5. Half of the people can't make it to Andulus Park. We gots practice on Tuesday and Thrusday. I have to bring my heels and practice with them on. 3 inchs. the pain. We have to bring food too. *hitshead*

5 days till the party. *dies*

this is going to be a short entry.

I dont feel like writing anything else.

Friday, September 12, 2008

A reminder in solitude

I'm completely blank.
Maybe after this sentence I'll be writing like crazy.

The days are going too fast.
One week till the party and I don't think I'll get the steps right. I don't think my dress fits the theme and I doubt anyone could careless.
Yesterday, I entered the empty hallways of the university and thought 'damn, this is nice' I think I'll actually like going there. All the teachers are Filipino. The class rooms are big and the people well the people I'll probably know some of them.
We entered the classroom they were practicing in. Damn. I was the only one who didn't even know the basics. But I think I got a hang of it, I think. There are several formations. First, being the V that'll slowly brake when we curtsy and bow then start with the waltz to form a heart then straight lines. We sway from side to side then form a circle. We waltz in one big circle then then stop and waltz forward then switch partners.
10 minute bathroom break. I put on my dress for Nikki to see. She said it didn't really fit the theme but it'll do. Since I doubt mom will get my other dress fitted.
I'm worried now that I'll stand out too much. If it happens then screw it. The guys will be in bow ties. *laughs in the inside*

After everyone left. Me, Nada, Nikki and Ej had trouble finding a ride. We called several taxi companies and people who could give us a ride. All said one thing 'Busy'. Until we found a taxi driver who was nice enough to pick us up and take us to Funland. Turns out I had to pay for the taxi. I only had 10 damnit. Thank God! Mariel paid for Nikki otherwise I wouldn't get to skate.
We got in and it was completely empty. Poked Bestfriend hello and straight to get some skates.
I couldn't hug him damnit. They were pissed at him and they expect me to be mad at him too. Gah. I couldn't do anything normal with him without thinking of what Nikki would say to me afterwards in anger. Gah its like shes controlling me now and its making sick. gah. Right, boundaries. I can't cross boundaries. Why do I even have to please her? Everyone else didn't mind what I did. Whatever. Thats the past now.

After we left funland I couldn't care less. Haha I walked with Ren. We were all in pairs.

*Nada laughing in the background*

Shes watching Gokusen 3.
Last night was hilarious.
She was sleeping soundly so I just did whatever on Yoshihiko.
"Robbie, go over there" she said in her sleep. That actually scared me at first. I was like what? You talking to me? *laughs*

Last night, I was reading that book I started writing in. Its basically a diary. But I don't really call it a diary. Since its contents are just about one person. Well half of it.
I find it stupid to read something that'll hurt me and possibly you. Its so obvious it was all written in anger or pain. Reminders of what I felt and what I'm feeling now. I need to finish it before you leave. I'm planning to give it to you as a going away present. If you can call a book filled with my thoughts, a present. I think I wrote 'I hate you' more than the opposite, in that book. it makes me laugh. I think I write in it the most when I'm angry.

Thursday, September 11, 2008


the title means nothing.

pic... cause I'm vain.
why do I remind myself of maha? Why? WHY?!

Went to dance practice at AMA university. I'm paired with Ej. crap.
Umm met new friends. Emer and JP. Jp is nadas partner. I'll be dancing with him as well when we change partners. I can't dance btw. Gah. I think Jp likes me. Lets see here. Umm hes always standing next to me, He wanted to see my hair down, He tried lifting me, He laid on my lap, He said "Your boyfriend is going to kill me because of this" while we were dancing I only said "What boyfriend? I dont have one". That was a great way to find out whether or not I had a boyfriend. Haha. oh joy.
Hes sweet and nada gets along with him. Which is a good sign. haha.
I think he'll be texting soon.


Correction he doesn't like me. Its just the way he is.

After pratice we had a hard time finding a ride to funland. We ended up taking a freaking taxi.
It was mary's late bday party. Skated, then walked to mcdonalds. Hung around till mauree came with robbie and Kal.

I have a lot on my mind. I can't type everything down here cause... well ren reads this. ._.

Oh yea ren, Hedgehog in japanese is Harinezumi.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

eat you alive.

I woke up scared. Terrified.
I didn't have a nightmare. I just woke up scared.
I think this happens when I sleep depressed or when my heads not settled. Its like I'm scared to wake up. Subconsciously I'm scared to wake up and meet the next thing that comes to me. The next thing that'll shatter me again. Brake my few days of happiness. I feel 13 again. The age when I wasn't allowed to smile. It hurts to find out that someone so very close to you back stabs you, hates you secretly.

Now, I'm wondering what did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this? Why'd she do it? Does she really hate me?

After all this I don't think I can trust anyone anymore. Not my sisters, not my cousins, not even my best friends. No one but myself.

I just feel so hated right now.
So fucking hated.

I can't stand much more. If I find out my own best friend is back stabbing me or Nasreen doing it too. I'll fucking kill myself. You just have no idea how much it hurts.

That ventor is really starting to piss me off big time.
Immature & Childish.
Venting out on how much you hate ren on me "his BEST FRIEND". Is stupid. I mean who in the right world would do that unless I hate him too. Guess what I dont. Gez. If you hate the person shouldn't you NOT be talking about him so much. seriously. If he wasn't in every one of our conversations we would have nothing to talk about.

Monday, September 8, 2008

The art of preserving what is important to you.

Listening to: gokusen epi. 3 in the background.

*cough* I copied the title from a news article *cough*

Last night I had this huge headache. So I decided to sleep early. After saying my good nights to Ren. I turned my settings on my phone to silent in hopes to have an excuse and/or ignore a phone call from a ventor. I woke up at 12:28am cause of my phone vibrating. I checked and I got a message and 3 miss calls, 2 from kevs and one from a landline phone. The message was from kevs too. He was asking if I was awake. I wasn't. I'm sleeping late today. I wanna know whats going on with Kevs. I haven't spoken to him in 3 days.

I woke up at 6am today to Nada typing her way on my Yoshihiko. I got up and "What the hell are you doing on my notebook?" I asked. She answered with a "I wanna check if Tokio Hotel won" I immediately didn't care and attempted to fall back to sleep. She woke me once again in what felt like 20 minutes but it was only 5. She told me they won. I celebrated with a Yay! then fell back to sleep. Last thing I heard from her was "Bye Naj!" She always says bye even though she knows I'm way into dreamland.

I had a weird dream. It involves Nasreens guy friends and they thinking I'm cute. (。_o)
Muri dayo. (。A 。)つ I was being stalked by this really hot guy. I don't remember much.
I'm trying to forget it.

congrats th

Sunday, September 7, 2008

When its full.

Listening to: nadas music. Which is distance - zwei (on replay >.>)


"I can't believe myself. I just love someone and immediately say that they won't like me back. Since when have I been so without hope. How did I turn out this way?"
- July 26, 2006

Easy, Hes name is Mahmood.
During your attempt to not fall you fall anyways for that asswipe. You totally have no control of your heart. You should do something about that before you get over this one and fall for someone worse than your current 'someone'.

"Enough. I've had enough. Its already been a year. Nothings going to happen. He barely notices me. I'm being neglected like usual."
- March 2005

Right on!

Time for a recent entry. Ren will love this.

"You decided to be a pathetic prick. Lets see here. You ranted out about her like usual. It reached so high. I read all the crap you liked about her. This should be hurting me so badly like always. But dude. I'm not in pain.
Thank GOD! I'm one step closer to getting over you"
- August 1st, 2008.

That day I was so freaking happy. I actually rolled over my bed and fell laughing my ass off.

"I'm quiet. I'm just letting it burn inside me. Less pain please. I'm dieing here"

- Sept. 1st, 2008

Lol sarcasm is intended at the last two sentences.

My grammar before sucked so much when I wrote.
Lol. I read my old poem/short story book. I finished it on Jan 2008. My fav there would be the fanfiction about Anne Elliot and Fredrick Wentworth. My victorianess is ♥.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

when its time to refill

listening to: jewel - MANNEQUIN/ silent eve - sadie

I read my old diaries today.
I just remembered how it felt like to... to be eaten alive by all that pain, hate and anger.
I hated that feeling. I don't know how I lived through it. But I did.

"It makes me laugh how I just stand there and stare and take whatever I've seen. Take every dagger that stabs me. While I watch the things that hurt me every time I think about it happen right in front of me. Why am I even taking everything? I don't remember the reason anymore. Why do I keep on... I don't have a reason anymore do I? Or am I filled with to much anger to even think straight. Fuck. Its eating me alive."
- Sept. 06, 2006.

I should really consider burning the books. They're depressing and I hate it. I hate being reminded. Why do I even keep diaries?
Being reminded of all that crap I went through what I'm going through. Its just shit. Its being written over and over again in each book for each year.

"Why won't I bleed more? Why do I have to hide the scars? I hate hiding them."
- March. 23, 2006.

I still ask the same questions.

"Its an addiction. Its no longer for relief. I do it when I'm bored, when I find scissors laying around I pick it up and do it. No one catches me. No one notices. So its okay. Its fucking okay."
- March. 23, 2006 2nd entry.

Its not okay, you bitch. I don't remember how I got out of that addiction.

"I stopped. I found no reasons to be sad anymore. I'm over him. They've all stopped being the way they were to me. All fights fixed. All reasons to frown gone. I'm happy. I'm actually happy."
- Dec. 3, 2006.

D.E.N.I.A.L. You even lie in diaries. Nice Naj.

"Why'd it have to be this way? I don't even fucking talk to him. How the hell did I fall in the first place? Because hes an ass? cause the way he smirked was hot? cause we had our small playful moments? cause I hated him so fucking much that I fell for him? This doesn't make sense."

- 12:00pm

"The fucking asshole is attempting to court Nikki. Why is it always her? Yea, shes pretty. Shes sweet. But hello! shes a god forsaken flirt. Who would do things men would like "subconsciously"Fuck that. Subconsciously my ass. I hate her. I can't stand her. Tita Sakina can't stand her. Why'd I fucking react in front of him? He smirked. That stupid fucking smirk I wanted to fucking slap his face. Fuck u asshole. Die in hell. I'm not going to talk to you for shit. You shot dead my fucking self esteem when I was 11 and it wasn't fucking pretty. I still remember it to this day. Yea, join forces with Nasreen I don't fucking care. Be a fucking asshole and burn my soul alive."
-6:28pm July 16,2006.

The days where I hated my boo. I love her to death now.
I don't care if the guy I like likes her. I've pretty much been through it before and being angry is just a waste of time and energy. But it still stung a bit. I guess.
I should Thank sam though. He was the reason why I started drawing. I wanted to feel better about myself so fucking bad that I started doing so much crap at the same time. I wanna rub it in his face the next time I see him.
Tita Sakina is his mom. Me and her are close. I love her. Shes awesome.

One more quote.

"I'm completely blank. I spent 2 hours staring into nothing. As usual no one really noticed.
I think this is the last stage of my depression. I haven't cried in a year and 3 months. I took the pain and buried it deep behind the dam. How long will it stand this time?" - January 2007

It stood for 2 more months then it fell. Man. I was so close to 2 years.
I remember those days. I used to feel like crying so freaking easily.
There was too much there I guess. Anyone could make me cry. I would always just turn around and walk away to regain my composure. My eyes were so cold and empty back then. It showed only one emotion, emotion that was barely there. When I laughed, smiled, grinned... everything. I think I was stronger before then I am now.

On second thought I won't get rid of these books.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

smoking ; regretting ; defeated

wyd: regretting
music: Ijiwarukuu - Guy's Family (disbanded. *huggles them*)

The moment you walked out. I stared at Nasreen and Kei sharing the last cig.
I immediately wondered to myself what its like to smoke.
"Can I try?" I asked
"Are you serious?"
I took the cig she offered. You walked in.
I made a gesture to try to give it back to her. But you said you won't stop me.
So I went for it. I tried it out... I pretended to cough and not like it.
Are you kidding me? that was the shit right there. It felt good.
Yes, I faked the whole 'ewe... I'm never smoking'.


Oh well. Good things had to come to an end.

Usually I would write what I felt. But right now all I feel is regret and a small amount of sadness.
That just came with a realization once again. That after a few weeks. Nothings going to happen. After everything. I think I began to subconsciously not hope or expect anything from anyone.
Like today. I didn't expect and I was not disappointed. I guess I'm just pretty passive when it comes to this crap.

Motzy told me something tonight.
"sort of, the next in line instead of the one who was there all along"
Its incomplete. Obviously.
Lets just say. That got me thinking.

Enough of this crap.
Time to laugh and watch Gokusen!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008


listening to: mujun to sora - lynch.

I decided to dress like how I used to when I went out with mommy today.
Naser and Dads birthday's today. Woohoo! Tomorrow meh cousin Ismael's bday. Yay for the three Qamber Boys! Lol.
I colored my hair purple once again! woohoo~

Purple my fav. *-*

I hope nasreen comes over today.

Monday, September 1, 2008


Rake (c) Najla Qamber 2008


listening to: ageha - MUCC (drums in this song is ♥)

Wenz woke me up. Laid in bed for a bit before washing up.
Finally, for the first time in a long time I woke up early enough to find some food on the freaking table. Thank you renz. ♥'s for you.

After a shower which I took after I got off the phone with wenwen. I spent 3 hours learning Dance Dance & Only One.
Nikki and Mauree changed my tracklist last night. I got so freaking pissed cause I have to learn whole new songs and crap. For our first live these songs pretty much suck.
I have to fucking wear a dress... I'm going to dance and play on stage with a freaking dress on. Okay how kool is that? Playing the bass in a dress. O_O damn...
Okay we've got band rehersals with the gang at room 2 rock. We've only got 2 days of actual practice we have to know all the tabs and lyrics before we get at R2R. Nada hurry up and learn these songs already. She hasn't even started. The three of us are freaking out. Even the roadie is freaking out and nada is being as calm as a born passive, nonchalant, bitch.
Gahz, make an effort nada!!!

I recently found out that wenzy is going to weave sooner than expected.
*emo mode*
Don't leave. T-T