Saturday, September 6, 2008

when its time to refill

listening to: jewel - MANNEQUIN/ silent eve - sadie

I read my old diaries today.
I just remembered how it felt like to... to be eaten alive by all that pain, hate and anger.
I hated that feeling. I don't know how I lived through it. But I did.

"It makes me laugh how I just stand there and stare and take whatever I've seen. Take every dagger that stabs me. While I watch the things that hurt me every time I think about it happen right in front of me. Why am I even taking everything? I don't remember the reason anymore. Why do I keep on... I don't have a reason anymore do I? Or am I filled with to much anger to even think straight. Fuck. Its eating me alive."
- Sept. 06, 2006.

I should really consider burning the books. They're depressing and I hate it. I hate being reminded. Why do I even keep diaries?
Being reminded of all that crap I went through what I'm going through. Its just shit. Its being written over and over again in each book for each year.

"Why won't I bleed more? Why do I have to hide the scars? I hate hiding them."
- March. 23, 2006.

I still ask the same questions.

"Its an addiction. Its no longer for relief. I do it when I'm bored, when I find scissors laying around I pick it up and do it. No one catches me. No one notices. So its okay. Its fucking okay."
- March. 23, 2006 2nd entry.

Its not okay, you bitch. I don't remember how I got out of that addiction.

"I stopped. I found no reasons to be sad anymore. I'm over him. They've all stopped being the way they were to me. All fights fixed. All reasons to frown gone. I'm happy. I'm actually happy."
- Dec. 3, 2006.

D.E.N.I.A.L. You even lie in diaries. Nice Naj.

"Why'd it have to be this way? I don't even fucking talk to him. How the hell did I fall in the first place? Because hes an ass? cause the way he smirked was hot? cause we had our small playful moments? cause I hated him so fucking much that I fell for him? This doesn't make sense."

- 12:00pm

"The fucking asshole is attempting to court Nikki. Why is it always her? Yea, shes pretty. Shes sweet. But hello! shes a god forsaken flirt. Who would do things men would like "subconsciously"Fuck that. Subconsciously my ass. I hate her. I can't stand her. Tita Sakina can't stand her. Why'd I fucking react in front of him? He smirked. That stupid fucking smirk I wanted to fucking slap his face. Fuck u asshole. Die in hell. I'm not going to talk to you for shit. You shot dead my fucking self esteem when I was 11 and it wasn't fucking pretty. I still remember it to this day. Yea, join forces with Nasreen I don't fucking care. Be a fucking asshole and burn my soul alive."
-6:28pm July 16,2006.

The days where I hated my boo. I love her to death now.
I don't care if the guy I like likes her. I've pretty much been through it before and being angry is just a waste of time and energy. But it still stung a bit. I guess.
I should Thank sam though. He was the reason why I started drawing. I wanted to feel better about myself so fucking bad that I started doing so much crap at the same time. I wanna rub it in his face the next time I see him.
Tita Sakina is his mom. Me and her are close. I love her. Shes awesome.

One more quote.

"I'm completely blank. I spent 2 hours staring into nothing. As usual no one really noticed.
I think this is the last stage of my depression. I haven't cried in a year and 3 months. I took the pain and buried it deep behind the dam. How long will it stand this time?" - January 2007

It stood for 2 more months then it fell. Man. I was so close to 2 years.
I remember those days. I used to feel like crying so freaking easily.
There was too much there I guess. Anyone could make me cry. I would always just turn around and walk away to regain my composure. My eyes were so cold and empty back then. It showed only one emotion, emotion that was barely there. When I laughed, smiled, grinned... everything. I think I was stronger before then I am now.

On second thought I won't get rid of these books.

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