Thursday, March 26, 2009

once again

mood: calm
listening to: electric eden ~

Here I am by myself in my room. Nada at seef with her friends.
For the first time in a very very long time. I feel as if I have my own room and the solitude calming my screaming mind, and I hold my bass like I'll bleed if its taken away from me. This silence that fills the atmosphere makes me want to paint, draw, play, write all at the same time. Its my trigger to do anything. Its almost perfect. Now, to share it with someone I adore so entirely. If only you sat beside me right now. I miss you.

This whole week has been so hectic. I'm one of the designers of a project thus comes a load of work which of course I don't mind at all. I feel so accomplished, so in tune with what I will become. I ponder so heavily at a thought. The thought of maybe this is taking over my life too early. I haven't enjoyed life properly. But I must say I'm happier than ever right now with my career path, my freedom, my family and most of all my love who is all I ever wanted and oh so much more. You're the highlight of my day everyday. The one person who actually likes hearing me snore when I'm exhausted, and despite my fucked up past still loves me for who I am. Yes, I can be corny if I wish. I guess its the feeling when you're in love.

and with that, I won't waste anymore time.
I'm going to write again.

and as a response to your blog entry.

...and I love YOU Khalid Ismael.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

fucking hell

mood: annoyed
listening to: Kal .-.

yes, I'm incredibly annoyed.
Just cause I rather stay muture and passive to all teenage-drama doesn't mean I don't care.
I'm here to listen but I'm NOT choosing a side. Its your choice if you want to trust me and tell me whats wrong and everyone already knows that I'm so loyal so if you don't want me to say something I wont. I'm passive in these cases. I don't like getting involved, I find all this shit incredibly full of BULL SHIT. Nothing but honestly.

I don't know why you guys even want to continue on with your teenage lives being a bunch of tantrum throwing kids. Seriously stupid in my point of view. Grow up! being a bunch of crying drama queens won't give you any satisfaction in anything you do. You'll just lose friends and destroy everyones trust in you.

and if you want to be a rude fucker, try being one to my face rather than whispering shit I.CAN.HEAR. Lame ass pieces of shit.
"Can you make it to my sisters birthday?"
"Your sister has a name you know." <- third party.
that annoyed me.

When did saying 'my sister' become a rude ass remark?


I'm just probably fed up with everything involving 'Teenage Drama'
Even watching it from a distance makes me want to go on a killing spree.

The current 'Teenage Drama' scene I'm watching right now. Just reached its peek.
Right now, All I'm seeing is a blind, Selfish person and a person who rather think of others specially just one person and is incredibly overprotective, and sane person. I just hate watching him go through this when he didn't do shit at all. *sigh*

Its like watching a very sad movie.
And I'm just that being that everyone seems to talk to secretly. *snickers*

Oh well, What am I to do but listen and be that shoulder to cry on.
*hugs depressed ppl drama queens affect* its keii.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Me = Passion and You guys = Leisure

Mood: content? scared? left out? alone?
listening to: Change - Deftones

Lol, I dunno.
I just talked to 3 of my friends.
2 very close.
Guess where they're going?

Out Clubbing!


It just struck me.
I feel extremely left out. I wanna talk to both of them you know. Tell them about my day, tell them how I felt about it. But the moment I want to mention it. They say they have to go. To where you ask? The same place as the other.

Now, I remember clearly why I know how to do the things I do now. Like everyone, they would usually just feel envious and try to do the same thing they're envious about but better. I always thought that I just wanted to be better, to feel good about myself, to be someone. It could be one of the reasons. But not all of it. Slowly I remember the small list of reasons I conjured up when I was younger. At last after a long while I remember one more reason and its also the reason why I love being a workacholic. Burying myself in work, in art, in writing, in music is also to keep myself sane and indifferent to the fact that everyone out there living their life while I (even though filled with a job and a great career path) am still doing a usual routine. More work, less play. Work keeps my mind at bay, makes me zone out so much that I forget. I forget that I barely see my bestfriends, have fun with them along with my other friends, makes me forget that I'm missing someone, that I'm upset with anyone, or that I'm plain old mad at what I was and what it made me into.

But art is my true passion. Possibly cause its the only thing that really shows how I feel as well as releases how I feel about everyone and everything.

Tell me guys.
what does this tell you?

Title and Description means nothing at all. Never does.

I think now, is a good time to zone out don't you think?

My passion beats your leisure.

I'm ready for your bull shit.


Special treatments/certain feelings never last

Mood: Indifferent
Listening to: Medley ~ Rob Lane (Jane Eyre OST)

I feel aggravated to the fact that I'm losing my passion towards design. Or is it just one of those days that I hate so entirely. Despite the fact that my boss was a complete asshole to me before I left. I don't think that would change my views in anything involving design. Perhaps, Its cause I don't know. I feel like... I'm losing interest maybe? or is it the fact that a hobby turned itself into lifes work just got through my head and stopped my brain cells from acting enthusiastically towards design.

Yesterday was full of my laziness. I absolutely hated doing whatever they asked. I just wasn't in the mood. Fucked up I know. Naj? Not wanting to work!? NOT NORMAL.
Hey! I'm not a complete retard like all of you! well, now I am. >.< for fucks sake. So much for my complete uniqueness.

Today started out with my sister screaming out 'NAJ! GO EAT' I'm like... WHA.... *sleeping*
She was on the phone with my mom and apparently mom was coming back to pick us up as soon as they got Naz. So I'm like... Oh fuck. You guys suck. This was at 6:40am. I woke up feeling neutral to all the beings on the planet like 'Oh look stone and scissors are fighting. Hi stone! Hi scissors! how you guys doing?' Yea like that neutral. I was pretty much balanced in a way.
and yes I'm a complete retard. I admitted it. So you don't have to call me as such.
Then the moment I walked in that empty office and was ready to slack off for a good 1 and a half hours before I start actual work. I call luv while I made coffee. Then helped my sister with her office management shit before logging into meebo. Spoke to a certain someone who unbalanced my mood slightly by telling me he wont be home the usual times I'll be awake for today and tomorrow. I admit, I was upset for awhile about it. But whatever. I try not to be too controlling. Its not really a good thing to do. I try to understand more rather than restrict.
My mood didn't change until I started getting a lot of work to do. Then I realized! My motivation is more work. If I know that I'm almost done with all the work I have to do and won't have to do anything else after. I'll be very upset. I guess its cause I hate the feeling of being useless at work.

But today, I was on a roll. WOOOHOO!

I still have to do a lot of work on Sunday and tonight.
Better get started I guess. But first must play bass.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Yesterdays feelings

mood: calm
listening to: Image ~ Villain

A Junior made me feel so incompetent, so fucking useless.
Telling me that everything I did was wrong, that I should get rid of the useless bits of my work, and told me that what I did was very unprofessional.

Well then! no one and nothing is immaculate and pure. so shut the fuck up. >.< always complaining... *mumble mumble*


She didn't make me feel to well. I felt embarassed a PM & a Senior was present. .-. Well, lady... I like to make sure I don't lose or make mistakes thats why I keep on duplicating the layers! gez.

I took a great interest on the book I'm reading! New Moon! You just got interesting enough for me to finish.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I know, I should've just woken up.

mood: barely sleepy
listening to: 夢幻 -electric eden- ~ alice nine.

Define that and its root in a million ways. way to get better at what you do
2.worst feeling
3.suicidal feeling
4.doubting onces self
5.low self esteem
7.not secure of ones thoughts and feelings

Maybe just cut that million down to 7.

One thing insecurity gave me is the talents I have now and scars... which I'm not happy about.
I dunno, I was never insecure before... wait... I was. .-. Have I always been insecure?! O_O
Oh yes... forever with that loathing feeling of being insecure. I hate it. But should I...? since its the one thing the made me into what I am now.

At 5, I was insecure cause my bestfriend got a higher grade than I did. I came home, I skipped lunch and studied until i was content that I would get a higher grade than hers.

At 7, I was insecure cause my sisters had friends and I did not. To put myself away from that feeling I did chores and took care of my new born baby brother while parents were out and no one else was home.

At 11, I was insecure my sister drew better than me, Sameer pointed it out in such a cruel way, made me cry. I locked myself in my room and started to draw.

At 12, Insecure of kids who went to school, went to college, institute, watever. Had a one-on-one tutor. Got my heartbroken started poetry which eventually grew into stories.

At 13, Stilll insecure that everyones better than me... I took Photoshop seriously. Started painting and manipulating.

Gah... my brains not working so well.
Theres more just don't want to write it all down.

Everyones insecure right?
But do they use that feeling properly?
Some people spoil other people cause of their insecurity, others just ignore that feeling, some just isolate themselves as well as hate their being. Wrong ways to do it people!
For me insecurity is sorta the starting point of my motivation then comes my determination to be as good as who ever.

At some point people start calling that competitive. But Hey! I don't speak everyones language! I speak my own.

Oh shit. I just got a flash back.
First one, since I was fucking 9. GO AWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.
The thing I hate the most are the memories that sometimes sneak up on u in the dark, or the memories that are faded not cause they weren't important but cause somehow your brain knew that it was the only way to save the rest of you from insanity.

I didn't really have a normal childhood. I didn't like what I saw and went through. not nice. >.<

THANK GOD! I don't remember much of it and no i'm dont talking bout what I went through with my phobia.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

cosplayers do it better than clowns

mood: sleepy
listening to: plates and spoons clashing
I was staring at this certain picture that I found interesting cause of Mr. Jack in the background. Then I noticed Vash there too. Thats cool honestly. I wish I could cosplay as good as them... I mean... him. Looks awesome yea? But I'm not really up for spending a lot of money on a costume that'll just make me look like someone I'm not and besides I'll only wear it once or never at all in this anime convention deprived country.

I did not appreciate them blocking my yaoi site. >.< It was completely harmless stuff! and they blocked it cause of a little nudity? come on... oh well. I guess its gotta stop somewhere. Haha.
faking my age was fun though. hahahaha. I enjoyed it while it lasted. Too bad its no more in this country. *sigh*

Lol, anyways... I spent like most of the day yesterday workin over at ZCCB's. We got the poster sign off as well as the ticket design. Whooop! Just the content remains untouched by the signatures. Yesterday was fun despite a few little clumsy moments. I definately enjoyed what came before the work started. *grin*

I hope I get paid today.
Sometimes being the intern I am. They forget they pay me. I'm not so much as an intern I'm more like a Junior Designer since I design those small little things, and artwork those text and stuff. Why do I have a feeling I get more design jobs than our other Junior Designer who does nothing but artwork arabic all day. I artwork arabic as well. But I'm sometimes useless at it when it comes to translating. >.> NOT MY FAULT I CAN'T SPEAK ARABIC.

I blame my parents.
ebil them.


Almost time for work.
another week to go through.
a lot of work too. woohooo!
I'm going to be a busy busy bee today. *yay*

Thursday, March 5, 2009


mood: neutral
listening to: sexual affection ~ sadie 

Can't wait for lunch. Toms taking me and kuya out! 
Its cause we helped him out so much yesterday. 

Its Thursday isn't it? 
Woah, This week really flew by like no ones business.
I find it really scary cause of the fact that we're nearing the end of our lives faster but I like it. I don't have to have those loonnnngg days and dreaded the hours till I leave for home. 
I can't wait to leave here.

I like work but when it comes to deadlines. No ways. 
Deadlines and Naj do not mix so well. I'll go crazy. I'll pace uncontrollably and hit things randomly by accident. I wouldn't even talk to anyone until the job is done. hahaha. I'm trying my best to work well under pressure. So far it's really getting somewhere unlike before where I can't work at all under pressure. I'm wondering where I will be five years from now.

Lets try visualizing it.
Picture Naj at 21.

Heeled up tall, Formal attire, really short hair that's always down, Sunglasses? (bye bye glasses). Drives around (duh), works in a branding firm (again?), more confident with everything I do. Not much change if you ask me. I'll probably start wearing make up! O_O oh God... >.< 

Honestly, I can't really picture myself five years from now. 
I think its cause I fear that the people I have with me now won't always be there five years from now. Best friends, close friends, boyfriend... well, who knows! Lets just wait and see. 

Monday, March 2, 2009


mood: saddened
listening to:

A moment ago, I took 10 minutes just to make sure my soul was still there so I laid down on my bed and listened to my heartbeat and to the sound of the wind outside. I know! I'm very weird in a way. Lets just call this 'Centering'. Today was a long day of so much work, a girl needs her few minutes to calm down her soul when shes got a big one.

To me my soul is the creator of my art, my music, my writings. I don't know what I would do if I didn't know how to draw, paint, manipulate, design, write or play the bass. I would feel so soulless and empty. Especially when my mind aint one to work with without art in its list of contents. I'm not so much of an intellectual person, honestly. I would feel so empty and lonely without my art.

Art is my freedom, my soul & my life.


Enough of whats on my mind at the moment.
Trust me thats not all the things thats on my mind.

I was so fucking busy today.


I printed out 3 mood boards when I got home.

The first one was to help with my poster designing.
The second is to help me with traditional painting.
The third for digital painting.

What is a mood board?
Is one of the greatest tools used by designers to create or come up with a great idea.
Its basically a collage of photos, sketches, magazine cut outs, etc.

Its one of my favorite tools. They help me so much in every art genre I do.

I think I'll lay down a little longer before I write a permission copy. >.<