Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I know, I should've just woken up.

mood: barely sleepy
listening to: 夢幻 -electric eden- ~ alice nine.

Define that and its root in a million ways. way to get better at what you do
2.worst feeling
3.suicidal feeling
4.doubting onces self
5.low self esteem
7.not secure of ones thoughts and feelings

Maybe just cut that million down to 7.

One thing insecurity gave me is the talents I have now and scars... which I'm not happy about.
I dunno, I was never insecure before... wait... I was. .-. Have I always been insecure?! O_O
Oh yes... forever with that loathing feeling of being insecure. I hate it. But should I...? since its the one thing the made me into what I am now.

At 5, I was insecure cause my bestfriend got a higher grade than I did. I came home, I skipped lunch and studied until i was content that I would get a higher grade than hers.

At 7, I was insecure cause my sisters had friends and I did not. To put myself away from that feeling I did chores and took care of my new born baby brother while parents were out and no one else was home.

At 11, I was insecure my sister drew better than me, Sameer pointed it out in such a cruel way, made me cry. I locked myself in my room and started to draw.

At 12, Insecure of kids who went to school, went to college, institute, watever. Had a one-on-one tutor. Got my heartbroken started poetry which eventually grew into stories.

At 13, Stilll insecure that everyones better than me... I took Photoshop seriously. Started painting and manipulating.

Gah... my brains not working so well.
Theres more just don't want to write it all down.

Everyones insecure right?
But do they use that feeling properly?
Some people spoil other people cause of their insecurity, others just ignore that feeling, some just isolate themselves as well as hate their being. Wrong ways to do it people!
For me insecurity is sorta the starting point of my motivation then comes my determination to be as good as who ever.

At some point people start calling that competitive. But Hey! I don't speak everyones language! I speak my own.

Oh shit. I just got a flash back.
First one, since I was fucking 9. GO AWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.
The thing I hate the most are the memories that sometimes sneak up on u in the dark, or the memories that are faded not cause they weren't important but cause somehow your brain knew that it was the only way to save the rest of you from insanity.

I didn't really have a normal childhood. I didn't like what I saw and went through. not nice. >.<

THANK GOD! I don't remember much of it and no i'm dont talking bout what I went through with my phobia.

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