Monday, June 30, 2008
listening to : Zetsubou no Ame - EqlipsE *OMG! I understand the title of the song... Rain of Despair* Wohoo for my japanese skills.
I'm supposed to be txtin renz atm but... I dont want to. >_> I'll talk to him tomorrow.
I wants to show off pictures.
Look at taka-kun. Man... I suck at drawin'
hana yori dango. The show that everyone seems to LOVE. Even the moms.
My bday gifties.
From nada and nichelle.
From the Yans. They awesome. <3
I had to take iron pills. >_> stupid low blood pressure. >_>
listening to: 『solitaire』 - Kazoku 華族
I've been dizzy the whole day. shhh.... don't tell mom. Like Naj always does she ignores it and hopefully it goes away. Well... its almost gone thats for sure. I'm over Naz' apartment. No power at mahooz. T_T Like usual I'm by myself. Mom went out to pick up little Josh with Tita.
listening to: some arab dude preaching on TV.
I found out yesterday that theres going to be a black out for a few hours over here. Gah! No internet. So I took the liberty to go online seriously early. Mom, let me sleep in today though. She didn't wake me up so I would go to school with her. They used the excuse she lacks blood or some shit like that. But who cares. I had a great dream about mike he. *grins* Damn.... that boy is FINE.
Rittee... okay when I woke up and ate breakfast and crap. Dad came home from the bank and guess what he said. "Why didn't you go with your mother? You should be her bodyguard. Alot can happen on the road." Blah blah blah blah... Can I pweese oh pweese let me sleep in for once. I woke up at 7:30 thats like just 2 hours more of sleep.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
listening to: kaimu
Uncle don checked my BP. *he took a 6 month caregiver course* and it's seriously low. So thats pretty much why I'm all dizzy, nauseated, sleepy, weak and I really have bad headaches aswell.
*sigh* I won't do anything about it cause well i don't care and I don't feel any different at the moment I just feel kinda weak. Usually weak for me is lazy. If I don't get better in a few days maybe I'll do something about it.
listening to: D-technolife ~ UVERworld. Now: antlion - Sugar *marry me shingo*
I have a feeling I'll get seriously obsessed with UVERworld soon. T_T Noez...
Anywayz... I still feel like puking after every meal. I didn't even eat much and I still feel like puking. T_T
This sux! Now my stomach hurts. >_> If I end up with a serious illness all I have to say is "Finally! what took you so long?" I saw it coming when it comes. LoL
Me foundz Nightmare tabs. Nada is going to love me for this. *makes happy face*
I don't feel like watching Bleach anymore. T_T I just don't have the urge to finish watching it. This just proves... I don't like anime that much. Damn... I'm fucked.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
listening to: the tv
Okie.I just ate and... gah! Why do I feel like puking. Theres something really wrong with me.
Mom says its cause of I don't eat much. Well, I do eat. I eat normal amounts of food. Only recently I started having this weird non existent appetite and when I actually eat I feel like vomiting before I finish my food. I don't want to think about it...
I just hope I don't have something serious. If this continues for a couple more days... I'm going to the Hospital.
listening to: Nothing
Yesterday, I didn't feel like eating much. I ate a little at Lunch then at the party I barely ate anything same goes for the next morning. I felt like vomiting every time I think about eating something. I didn't feel hungry at all. Its so fucked up. I don't know whats going on with me. I puked once. I don't want to think about it.
Yesterday was probably the best birthday ever. I felt special and thats all I wanted. For people to come over for me. Renz came earlier. I appreciated it. I didn't feel to good in the beginning but he cheered me up with his presence. Nasreen came over with Hikey. Then the Yans came. They're awesome. Hehe. They made the day fun. despite the dramas it was fun...
Thursday, June 26, 2008
listening to: these days - Bamboo
at 6am we went to pick up pops at the airport. He came home with a bunch of presents. Its so awesome. He got me a camera for my psp for my birthday. Wohoo!
I woke up all nervous and crap. There are people coming that I have never met before. T_T crap.
I hope yasy and sawsy are coming. >_>
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
listening to: Naihishinsho - ONE OK ROCK
I'm here by myself at Nasreen's apartment. Shes not here cause well... she has another apartment in Riffa that she shares with her bestfriend. I just finished cleaning the living room and the kitchen.
Gah... I put away the groceries, washed the dishes, vacuumed, moved around the furniture. Gah... I still have to burn the CD for our band practice tomorrow and my phone needs charging. This place gives me the creeps....
someone go online....
5 minute break!
Coke is gooooooddd..
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
listening to: Reflections - Motzy
Dads coming home on my birthday. YAY! I'm happy. He'll probably be home really really really early so he'll be sleeping the whole day. T_T No daddy-daughter time. T_T I have a feeling Nada will be glomping me on my birthday. *is horrified*
I found out yesterday that someone at psb has a crush on Nada. *claps hands* OMG! I'm so excited for her. FINALLLY!!!
Monday, June 23, 2008
listening to: Sports news on TV
First off.... IN YOUR FACE BAHRAIN! Japan totally kicked your ass. *does a victory dance with Endo and Nakazawa* I missed the game last night but... I think I can watch it later on today.
I'm planning to delete some shit in my hard drive... Yoshihiko is still new and its slow already. T_T
Mom was soo close buying KFC instead of home cooked fried chicken. I pleaded for the home cooked chicken. I haven't had any in AWHILE....
Sunday, June 22, 2008
listening to: D-technolife - UVERworld
I'm watchin bleach at this moment. Multitasking is awesome.
Umm... I've been thinking about things. Last night wasn't really... I didn't feel okie. LoL
but I woke up complete the opposite but I got annoyed by my mom making baby noises at Nada and Nasser to wake them up. >_> so embarrassing. o//////////o
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Friday, June 20, 2008
listening to: shindaze sekai - heidi.
This is fucking pissing me off. I've been depressed on and off for almost a whole month and its starting to get on my nervous. I DO NOT like being depressed. I was never depressed for like 6 months straight and then BOOM this happens. GAH! *strangles pillow* This is not good at all. NOT GOOD. Sure... I get all unhappy for like a couple of days. Thats just it A COUPLE OF DAYS! not a freaking month...
listening to: nada reading something
Hmm... I don't know. I woke up in a depressed mood. T_T I don't really know why. gosh... someone slap me with happiness.
Yasy and Sawsy might sleep over today.
Yasy called last night at 11. I was asleep. She was like 'I thought you sleep at 1am or something' something like that. Well, I was friggin' tired I fell asleep on the coach while I was waiting for something to download. Damn...
Thursday, June 19, 2008
listening to: I'm sick, b'coz luv u - lynch.
I'm really enjoying painting. I don't know why... but I feel as if I can actually do something awesome. Before all I could do is draw... draw those black and white images. Now... I'm playing with a color pallet.
I got rid of the girl in alone. cause it looks better that way. Thank you yasy for the criticism.
My current w.i.p. will be called 'Red Ballet Shoes'
I hope I'll like this one. T-T
Its looking good so far.
I can't freaking please myself with anything. Everything I like everyone doesn't. Everything I hate everyone else loves. I don't get it. TwT
its everywhere. Its so tempting to buy a surgical mask like miyavi's. <333 I want too...
look its mommy! *waves at screen* hi mommy!!
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
listening to: shindaze sekai (the world is dead) - heidi.
I feel like idea after idea is seeping into me. anymore and I won't be able to stop myself from manipulating my ass off. Its like there are billions of morbid/sick/dark/beautiful/colorful/etc images are all flashing through my head. I don't want to touch photoshop at the moment I might... I might end up making shit for 5 hours straight. Thank God I don't have A.D.D. I can't resist... I want too... but I don't... I feel like Renz. >-> someone... hold me back before I never leave my notebook today. I dont carez no more! I shall photomanipulate. I'll be here all night long... unless I change my mind.
listening to: lost my blood - leviathan
Umm... I already know what my fav ppl are getting me. Lol they like spoiling the surprise.
Naz is getting me one of Linda Berdolls books from ebay. Lol so predictable of her.
Nix is also getting me a book
JJ is getting me Visual kei accessories
I want to get myself a scorebook using my parents money... nah... better buy an acoustic guitar. >-> I need one. I can't just keep on borrowin it from Naz. T-T
Its either that or Japanese lessons at Berlitz. Its like a 5 minute walk away from us. so fun...
okie I was randomly brushing my teeth when I came back I saw a msg from some dude on msn. I looked at it and it said something like 'we need a female vocalist... blah blah... here are some vids of us live.' Then I declined every so nicely and said I was in another band. he just like replied 'oh yeah? whats you're band called? I'm a hoe?' fucking asshole. Its a good thing I kept my cool. usually at my state... I usually bash him with my bad side. But instead I chose sarcasm and I even gave him a compliment on the vids. fucking asshole.
listening to: sink - 9goats black out
I didn't freaking expect this to happen again. I mean what the fuck! I already had it dammit. Stupid Stupid!!! GAH!!!!!!!
I swear I'm going to kill someone! T__________________________________T
Me and My stupid morbid side. No reference used what so ever. That I'm actually proud of.
My next painting will be portrait of someone. I don't know who yet. Probably Jyou of exist trace... or one of the O2R boys again.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
listening to: M.
Hmm... I don't really know what to do. Like my friend before me... I'll say "I feel like I have no hands"
I have a bad feeling about my birthday. I feel like theres something really bad is going to happen. It'll obviously involve me. I have a feeling I'll get hurt real bad... really... bad.
Nothing interesting happened to me. I'm like not interesting at all. Lol
I want a big enough teddy bear so I can hold it all day long. *huggles imaginary teddy bear*
Monday, June 16, 2008
listening to: 欲望に満ちた青年団 - ONE OK ROCK
Its not really because I changed float a little bit... but how friggin' horrible it looks.
I don't want critique... cause this is my first painting and I'm supposed to be happy with this but I'm not. TwT
Naj... its your first for goodness sake. Its not supposed to be awesome so shut the fuck up.
hopefully the next one will be better.
yes... theres a next one. I dont give up that easily.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
listening to: A Fine Frenzy
Someone asked to be mentioned... lol
I had a dream bout Renz a couple of nights ago. It was pretty weird, I didn't expect the leg maneuver to part of it and dancing and cuddling... what the hell is going on? ._.
Then I talked to him after a day... Its a new record. 4 hours.... I'll cut it down to 3 hours of talking.
Yeah... Okie. I'm done mentioning him. *huggles Renz*
I spent the whole day trying to figure out what I'm going to do about the situation I'm in. No one knows about this.... cause well.. I like keepin' things to myself sometimes. I'll probably spit it out sooner or later anyways..
I started sketchin what I am to paint... I forgot my drawing equipment at Nasreen's.*hits self*
I'm going to drown myself later...
listening to: locmaria - GLAMOROUS HONEY
I started drawin on oekaki again. >-> Man... I'm sooo bad at it. TwT
my anime skillz went down the drain. T_T this isn't good at all. Not good. >->
man... I shouldn't have stopped drawin actual anime... I used to draw anime like this:
Dammit! I was getting better and better than.... Boom! the crappiness.
I'm stickin' to PS. Oekaki Sucks. >->
listening to: 心中 - Jessica (gosh... I should really work on reading chinese characters. >-> why does kanji have to be soo freakin' hard)
Sometimes its nice being known on DA.... I mean I get a great number of pageviews and favs.
Only problem is how much of a pain it is to answer all that feedback.
I used to make nada thank ppl for the favs. But shes to lazy to do that now too. TwT.
Either way... I am happy people actually like my work. Its a small kind of accomplishment I suppose.
listening to: the wind outside.
I realized as I played the guitar at the apartment yesterday mornin' that I have too much passion for it >-> and I play the bass. 0-0 The good thing is that I can play with my eyes closed. Thats how I realized how freakin' passionate I am bout playin' the guitar.
Last night, while I sat by myself in the living room I finally came to the conclusion that I give up and won't hope or want... well... just hope for anything to happen. I held my legs to my chest and simply stared at the computer screen and decided.
I hate guys who are like Motzy. Its not because he vents. Its cause of a whole different reason. Not even related to ventin' It just sorta pisses me off.
Motzy is awesome he just has this one flaw along with his constant vents.
I'm going to paint float.
listening to: NOSTARSICK - Ap(r)il
I'm thinkin' of going back to drawing on Oekaki. .-. Its fun! hehe.
I should start paintin' >-> After I do shit online.
Current MSN nickname: You stay Emotionally unstable. Nothing happens. Its just the same feelin every.single.day. One cut. One drop. Thats all it takes.
GAH! HYD aint downloadin' fast enough. T-T
Saturday, June 14, 2008
listening to: ICE BREAKER - Zwei (on replay)
Nada's coming with me to sleep over Nasreen apartment! wohoo for that! <33 I'm soo going to steal more bleach from Nasreen. I normally don't watch anime... Nasreen... just had to introduce me to bleach. T-T why... you bitch. I miss watching Wolf's Rain. T-T Umm... That was a looong time ago. I miss watching dramas too. I should start watching korean and chinese dramas... Gosh... >3>
Umm... I wrote a sequel to 'Silent tears' and well... you are not going to see it thats for sure. No theres no porn. *sigh* Lol Its just the way I wrote it was really really bad.. I don't even want to read it anymore. TwT
Umm... what else should I start doing after six months... *thinks*
when i was 11 I started drawin'.
2 years later I started photomanipulating
6 months after that I started digitally painting
6 months after that I started drawing anime
6 months after that I started playing the guitar
2 months after that the bass
1 year after that paintin'
Well... not exactly every six months but whatever.
>-> I know... I know I'm weird.
I miss reading TwT I haven't read in awhile. besides fanfics and yaoi.
I mean usually I finish a book every week.. But now... I dunno. ;_;
stupid naj... go back to your usual routine. TwT
listening to: ICE BREAKER - zwei
Theres something wrong with out House phone. >-> Its fucked. T-T
We went to the stationary today and I bought myself a canvas and a paintbrush.
I'm going to start painting.
I think I'll use my manips as ref for most of my paintings. Wohoo for me. Its official I gain a new skill every 6 months. *dances the boogie*
I really hope I'll be as good as the bahraini painter 'Mahmood' (not number 1) Hes awesome at painting. I mean 0_0 He was in nasreen's class at NYIT. I wanted his autograph. 0-0 But she didn't get it. TwT
listening to: Oath - Licker
bore you with what I think I'll do for my birthday.
I asked permission from Nasreen and we shall all gather up at her apartment! So we can chill and crap. I doubt ppl will come but inviting them is always good. I shall call Nikki to tell her about it l8erz. She could possibly guide the Yans here. So thats like 5 ppl down if they can. Mom will be around for a bit then she'll leave. Same goes with Nasreen. LOL she was like... if your friends hit on me I'll give them hell. Lmao. WOOHOOO! No... supervision. YAY! N4 will be here. hopefully. then the cousins, I shall talk to Renz about the guys. then Monsun. Party over here!
listening to: Last word - rentrer en soi
We spent the whole morning out in gudaibiya. The heat killed me. T-T
I'm sitting here playing the guitar like I always do. I'm thinking of cleaning this apartment abit when mom leaves. Dammit. I forgot my hair products. T-T Nasreen's probably going to sleep soon. She didn't sleep yet. I'm still thinking if I should go home and come back later or stay here. There are crap I forgot. like my friggin' Towel. I should leave some shit here. T-T Seriously...
Yesterday, I say was pretty okie. Seef seef. >-> Kinda really awkward for Nikz and Nial. atleast all went well in the end. That reminds me I should call her in a couple of days. I wantz HYD season 1 & 2.
Friday, June 13, 2008
listening to: Nothing
This is probably the last time we're(me and nada) are going out. Mom and I just argued about me and nada going out too much. This is fucking pissing me off. We'll have to lay off going out for a couple of weeks. Like a month or two. T-T I bet we're just going out until 9. Since Mom is the one pickin' us up. I hate it when Dad is not around. She gets fucking moody.
....I hate understanding my mom when she says we go out to much. I hate it when I agree. when I know shes rite. Dammit. I'm only going cause of Nikki. T-T
Thursday, June 12, 2008
listening to: NOTHING
Look what I wrote. I'm actually pretty proud of this. *dances around room* and NO I am not depressed or anything..........
It was dark. My room shed no light. I lay upon my bed clutching onto my pillow as if I wanted it to bleed instead of me. I couldn't take it. My eyes welled up with tears. I didn't want to cry. I got up and took the razor that tempted me for an hour.
I stared at my wrist at first. I hesitated. I didn't want to but I couldn't help myself.
I tore skin, slowly and hard. I pulled away the razor as I watch myself bleed. The blood dripping onto my white sheets. I could feel my chest burn with pain and my tears halting. The tears always stopped but the pain sometimes lingered for awhile But most of the times it never ceased. I find it trivial now. To try and stop the tears when the pain never ceased nor faded. But something inside me still tells me to not let myself cry no matter how much pain is felt. It's never worth the tears.
I hope this doesn't happen every time I fall for someone that I know I can't have. Some people just think I easily fall in love with anyone. They're wrong. It is not I who chooses who I love. It's my heart. Love is unexpected and unconditional. It comes when you least expect it. I'm 15, and I'm in love for the first time. I love him. But he never felt the same. I lost all confidence after I confessed foolishly and he rejected. Well, he didn't exactly. He just stood there in surprise. I could see the hatred and disgust that burned in his eyes as I spoke those words 'I think I'm in love with you'. I stared into his eyes. I read what it said and fled. I couldn't- I can't stand rejection. I don't want it in words. I don't want to hear it. I don't want it to break my heart or what's left of it. I knew this would happen. Why did my heart have to take over? Damn it. I ran. I ran anywhere. Everywhere. I wanted privacy. I wanted comfort. But there is no one there to comfort me. I had no friend but him. Just him. I reached home, I ran up the stairs to my room. I locked the door and laid on the bed.
Here I am. Bleeding on my sheets. I stared at the blood. This is stupid. I stood and headed for the shower. I turned on the cold water and stood right below it fully clothed. The water washing away my blood. 'I wish the water would wash away the pain too.' I said in a whisper. I cried. My tears fell as I muttered the last two words. The water making it vague that I cried. I stood there and allowed the tears and blood to drip. It was silent. Silent tears... silent cries.------------------------------
Hehe I think I'll make a sequel to this. Maybe a happy ending. I always treat my characters better than how life treats me. *pats who ever I just made up*
listening to: Nada reading German.
Philippine Independence Day.
We waited 3 hours for the freakin' program to start. Dammit! >->
On the bright side I saw John (dude I used to have a crush on) and a Shirtless Michael. Man... that boy is FINE. too bad hes too young for me. *pats invisible Michael* Umm... Everyone left everything with me. Nichelle did, Jyanisa and Nikki. Her phone was with me. lol... Her pants were falling so I offered her my belt. I bet it looked weird when I was removing my belt in Public. LMAO. She didn't wear it though. She doesn't really know how to put a belt on for some reason. T-T
That reminds me. At the airport looonng ago me and Nasreen had to go through the sensors over and over cause it kept on beeping. We took off our phones, keys, jewelery, shoes and belt. Lol that pretty much did the trick. The funny thing was... we looked like we did something while we both tried putting on our belts. LOL... we were in a hurry cause the plane was boarding. We were running while putting on our belts. fucking hilarious. Even she said... 'dude... we look like we just had a quickie' I laughed my ass off.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
listening to: karasu - ONE OK ROCK
I tried and I failed. I don't want to try again today... cause well... I hate being disappointed. I hate it. I hate it! I hate it....
I'm going to freaking explode. T-T My work ain't good enough no more.
I hate having those days where you just feel useless and not good enough for anything. I ended up making this crappy crappy manip... I don't know how the hell I got the idea. I don't know how I came up with the description... My hands took over. -_- stupid hands.
stupid title too... gah... what the hell is wrong with me.
me needs huggles. *looks around for teddy...* boo... no teddy. *looks around for motzy* no motzy either. T-T *looks around for renz...* he aint on either. Yasy? what the hell! no ones online. -_-
listening to: etocetora - O2R
this is seriously pissing me off. Not only do I have seriously low self-esteem atm. I have artist block aswell... Usually I would just make something that makes me feel better. But I can't, you know why? cause I have MANIPULATORS BLOCK. FOR FUCK SAKE!!! go away stupid... stupid thing. Don't take away the only thing the makes me feel better about myself. Even playin the guitar wont work this time. No it wont... GAH!! thats it....
listening to: some dude prayin on tv. *dads home*
Nasreen wanted to come with us this morning so we could drop her off her other apartment. So I had to clean up while she changed and packed up. I started washing the dishes until I got to the knife and and and... it cut my finger by accident. I wasn't really paying attention. *sniff* I got a boo-boo. (oT-To). Came home and started watching Bleach after about 10 episodes I fell asleep. *hits head* I hate falling asleep in the middle of the day. But I did anyways. GAH!!! I hope today I'll sleep well enough. o0 Since I ain't staying over Nasreen's apartment until Sunday. T-T Nozes!!
listening to: Bleach... *Nasreen is watching all 150 epi. again*
I'm sleepy... I'm tired. Thank God. I don't have to stay here any longer. I didn't sleep well at all. It feels like I slept for an hour. Somebody get the tranquilizer gun and shoot my sister. She does NOT sleep at night.
I want to pass out! I seriously do...
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
listening to: throw hope away - Black:list
The minute I came through the door and entered the kitchen with my uncle. Nasreen came in and said 'Dude... can you take out the trash?' I protested at first... but I did cause I had to get the Rose Water from Tita Lanie. Mom, wants me to spray it all over the apartment... She thinks there are ghosts on this floor.
The titos and Kuya were all workin shirtless. Its a filipino thing. They're carrying boxes up and down the stairs.
So... I threw out the trash... put away the food... I went to change and I found the cutest looking shoes ever! and they're huge. you'll see what I mean when I post up a pic tomorrow. theres something wrong with blogger and photobucket. ._.
soo... I started folding all the clothes that didn't need ironing and crap... when I turned on the iron I got seriously shit scared cause this HUGE amount of steam started blowing out of the small iron... I freaked and now I don't even want to go near it. ._. so no ironing for me. I can't help it... I'm really paranoid.
listening to: shindaze sekai - heidi.
Why do I find emo posts more interesting than the normal 'what I did today'?
anywayz... todays segment will be about the 1st.
Me and him we're friends since I was 6. We would play together even though he was 6 years my senior. I didn't think of him in any other way but my friend. We grew apart during the years. He began to fall in love with my elder sister and I didn't care at all. I started hating him... I do not know why but I did. I would call him names and fight with him while he walked away. Like my sister always does... she broke his heart. We moved to the Philippines when I turned 11. Came back a year later... on the second day of our arrival I saw him... He was just so... I dunno. When I saw him it was all in slow motion. He said 'Welcome back' and smiled. Oh man.. that smile. He was 18. He was way... out of my league. But I still fell in love with him. Love is unconditional. He was the one who hurt me the most cause he ignored my confession and avoided me. I was soo in love with him. Everytime he didn't notice me it hurt. I kept hoping... I just kept hoping but nothing happened. My hopes were all shattered. He doesn't even care. I cut myself so much that time. I didn't want to cry. I didn't. But I did. It took me a whole year to get over him. I couldn't even look at him without the pain. Yeah... the fucking asshole. We're still friends though. I just never see him anymore. Which is a good thing. I feel nothing for him anymore.
listening to: shindaze sekai - heidi.
I'm craving for something... someone.. I don't know. T_T I just want something.
I got locked out of the apartment last night. I spent 2 hours with Tita Lanie waiting for Nasreen to come home and open the friggin' door. ;_; I need to get my own copy of the keys.
listening to: SACRIFICE BABY - exist trace (all female vk band that rocks my socks) <- lame statement.
When I woke up this morning I didn't feel tired or sleepy AT ALL...
Went to Gudaibiya to buy school supplies for Nada and Naser... went to apartment again... this time without my notebook so I was bored for an hour. I started cleaning... and washing the dishes... ;_; is it normal to clean when you're bored? ._.
listening to: Bleach...
Right now, I'm putting on my socks. I'm really amazed at how fast I just get up. My alarm ain't that loud but I still get up in a click. When I'm obligated.
Oh look. Nada's online. Nada was really upset the last 2 days... cause I slept here and she was stuck at home with stupid Nasser. I think its our first time apart in years.
Its like this... Me and Nada have been like twins for years. We've been sleeping in the same room since... I can't even remember. We're that close and for some reason I'm the fav for everyone. T_T
Its like... I'm someone they can talk to if they need it. So... I'm pretty much all ears all the time. I still don't get why I'm the fav for everyone *thinks really hard*... My head hurts. ;_;
I dunno what to do with college if my usual homeschool doesn't have the course I want I dunno what I'm going to do. I don't want to change homeschools... ._. I hate school... all kinds of schools. I wonder how I got even alittle smart. ._. My stomach hurts now. T_T I'm too scared to cook anything without Nada. I'm scared of fire.... (x_x)
Monday, June 9, 2008
listening to: Rain - Zwei
I just realized that I was hoping again when I spoke to him late last night. I just like slapped myself on the face and told myself 'You... Hoping is useless when you know nothings going to happen' He doesn't even know how I feel about him. I think he senses something when ever I'm around him cause of how overly unexpectedly caring I am and the fact that my attention is always on him. I think he knows. He's just not sure about it.
My depression gets heavier and uncontrollable every time its one-sided. Maybe because I don't cry and cause I don't talk about it with no one. Gah. I'm being all 'I can do this on my own... no one has to know about it.' Fuck you Naj. Sooner or later you'll spit it out and you'll ruin everything for yourself and you'll end up looking like a fool once again. *high five*
It'll be harder to not cry now... Since I stopped doing the one thing that made it feel better.
I guess, I'll just bite my lip and close my eyes and wait for it to go away. I hope I don't cut my lip open. Sometimes when theres pain you go all numb and you can't even feel physical pain no more.
I hope I can get through the next one more easily than this one. Yes, I think the next guy that comes along will be the same as the others. It always will be. Maybe they'll like me more but it'll always be the same. Always.
Shit... Moms home. Go away feelings! go away...
listening to: feeling fine - L'arc~en~ciel
Umm... I have decided....
That you are not Orcs.
ahem... I mean... I'll just get accessories instead of the bandscores... cause well JJ is the one getting me it and I don't want the guy to go broke by buying me those bandscores and they're like 41$ each soo nearly 90$. So... cool visual kei accessories it is.
I woke up at exactly 5:30am. T____T
Sunday, June 8, 2008
listening to: memories - gackt
I woke up at 5:30... went to drop off kids... stayed at school till 8am. Then went to the flat to drop off Tita Lanie and picked up Nasreen. Went grocery shopping went back to flat, put away grocery, cooked rice then went online. After awhile I watched Bleach... then went to pick up kids, then back at the flat to eat lunch, then went home and Now I'm here submitting a crappy manip.
0o thats alot of thens and wents.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
listening to: myself type.
Yup... I've been spamming this blog since October and I'll never stop! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!
Dad, just told me to screencap and print out a whole catalog after that I had to organize it too. T__T I hate being the smart one sometimes.
Friday, June 6, 2008
this is my last entry. I swear.
Okie... I just realized this... Kobby was the only person who saw right through my fake smiles and happy eyes. I mean... I was laughing my ass off that day. Then he came online and asked if I was okay. I said I was okay. It was a lie. ^_^ I admire him for that. One day he'll make a girl really really happy. So happy that she'll never cry.
listening to: nothing
I'm awake right now cause of Motzy. We started talking bout number 4. I told him who he was and everything. He of course didn't let me vent much. He always has to say something else.
I went all really emotionally from what he said about the topic that I just wanted to cry but I didn't cause I have self control and I don't cry no more. Umm... Venting is BAD! very bad. Don't ever do that with actual ppl and ppl online cause it just hurts you even more and make you cry when you don't even want to cry. Crying is bad. Its true I'm scared to cry. Why? cause crying shows weakness. But when I do actually cry... like really really cry, for hours cry. I would love to be held. But I guess thats a little too FAAAAARRRR away. Or it'll never happen. Either way. Crying is Bad... well for me it is.
listening to: myself type.
Me and Nada just finished watching HYD. T_____T a sad episode.
okie... Like I was saying before. I was checking out my manips and I saw a few that I loved.
My all time favs!
I don't have it...
I have no direction in life
nothing left to live for
no reason to stay
no reason to hope
no reason to be strong
no reason to fight
no reason to pull open curtains
to walk through butterflies or woods
no reason to continue walking to no where.
I give up
I have no direction"
Dedicated to my loving second mother who is in a hospital bed right now. cause of cancer.
Description: I became so impatient with everything, I SCREAMED IN MY HEAD!! and I started getting angry on how freaky better other people are. GOD! I became so angry with myself I started doing so much shit at the same fucking time. I swear I felt a vine popped somewhere in my body. What triggered it? well I'll tell what you wat triggered it. Im soo angry with everyone and kept it inside for 2 fucking years. and then I felt stupid, boring, ugly, bad, untalented. BLAH BLAH BLAH! i know I should be grateful for what Talent I have. Just dont say anything. you can tottally hurt my feelings and critize about this picture. please do. I wont mind really. I should inform you. I rushed this, cause I was angry when I did this so yeah. and taking it all out in a manip or a description doesn't make me feel better either.
Description: My love.
As a General, I have been called to war, immediately. My heart broke when they asked me to lead the first line of attack. I might not return alive. and I regret, saying my adieus in this letter. Take care of yourself.
I love you so much.
You are my life.
Edward Monte'agro etc.
That letter sucks. Ahem.
Description: triv·i·al /ˈtrɪviəl/ [triv-ee-uhl]
of very little importance or value; barely important; insignificant
Thank you for your last letter. I hope you are happy, for you have shredded my heart and rejected me in every possible way imaginable. You've made it clear that I am most trivial to you. You've made it clear how egoist I am, how repulsive, how pathetic, how minuscule. Surely, you think that I am heartless as well, for you to write these aweful words without guilt. I loved you so much. Now, you rejected me and leave me with no sympathy but pain. You leave me cold inside, for I have not yet shed a tear. I accept the fact that you would never be mine, like the last two men who did the same as you. Both wrote a letter to me, saying how much they loathe me. If you do feel guilt. Do not worry, I am used to harsh words. After all, I hold hands with rejection for rejection won't let go.
I wish you all the happiness that I never had, God bless and Good bye.
-Miss Mina Elliot
All the above I wrote all by myself. Yes I came up with all that. I thank God that I actually read the dictionary.
Trivial was one of my fav descriptions. But Jane Eyre, Equilibrium, Anne Elliot and Direction are definitely on my top 5. I don't really remember what happened that day when I actually wrote all that unrequited shit down. Lol I guess I'm really affected by it. But I'm used to it now. Wait... I think I remember what happened. Umm... Number 2 was over my house. I couldn't stand looking at him without him reminding me why I fell for him in the first place. Fucking asshole. He had to be an asshole. All me and him do is tease each other and fight. I hated him for years cause he was the reason why my self esteem was soo low. He and Nasreen(elder sister) teamed up and crushed my hopes. They used the fact that I don't go to school and called me stupid and useless. I was 10. I remember. I locked myself in my room and cried my eyes out. That was the day when I promised myself I would never cry again. But I did. I saw him 4 years later... and he did it again but this time he did it and he aimed for my heart. The fucking player and his flings. He doesn't even know what hes doing to me. This is the good thing about showing hatred instead of love. I don't even talk to him anymore. I just changed so much over the years I could tell he grew attracted to me. I would smile and laugh and I would always catch him staring. What was weird is that he would come back into the room and say bye to me and no one else. My sisters were in the room.
Somehow I knew this would happen. He txted Nasreen one day and asked her for Nikki's number. She didn't give him her number cause she knew how I felt for him. But he still managed to get it. Then Nada came home from school and told me that he started courting Nikki. At first I was like *locks self in bathroom and get scissors* "I'm not going to cry..." Then anger came in and I went all "He better not hurt her the fucking ass." Anger pretty much slit my wrists. Its really funny. I obviously reacted in front of my mom, my uncle and our housekeeper (who happens to be his auntie). Few days later. Tita Susan (our housekeeper) told me that I have nothing to worry about. She had a talk with him and he said it was all just a game. I sighed and then I was like WTF. I went online and warned Nikki. Me and her at that time weren't really good friends. He came over and ate lunch with us. My mom had to open her big mouth and say... "Nag react si Naj" My reply was "MOM! of course I would react its Nikki we're talking about here. Shes my friend" Nice save Naj. He was sitting right next to me and I barely looked at him. He always found a way to hurt me. Sameer. That asshole. He hasn't got a clue. He'll be back here in a year or is it this year. I wonder what he has up his sleeves this time. *smirks* You won't be able to hurt me this time. Umm.. hes 18 right now. *thinks* Maybe I should start talking to him again. After all I've known him since I was 4. Why did I stop talking to him? Right... When I was 10... I was really obvious that I liked him a little too much. So I just thought... not this time. I won't be as obvious as I once was. I ended up not talking to him at all. LOL.
Well, right now I pretty much just get depressed for a few months knowing that a guy I really like ends up liking someone else and thats it. I go okie... Hes better off with that chick than with me. I'm pretty much undeserving. Why do I sound like Renz? ^__^
I still think this time was karma. I broke a guys heart and he changed completely... He just turned into someone I don't even know anymore. It started to scare me and I started blaming myself and feeling even more guilty. You probably already put everything behind you but I'll never get tired of saying this. "I'm sorry Kobby, I really am."
Ahem.. how did it get to this? *scrolls up* right...
anyways... I go sleep now.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
listening to: Abduction-Interlude - ONE OK ROCK (this instrumental master piece is just... *eargasm*)
Updated with Pics.
We're such girls sometimes. T__T
Oh look a retarded Renz. Lol and a cute nial
Look at how adorable Paolo looks. *insert aww... sounds*
my pinky finger hurts *pouts*
I'm starting to miss talking to Motzy. We have this gap between us now T___T NOOOESS!! my Seme! I miss being a uke. T___T Man me and Motz sound like a gay couple lol. I mish making nikki uncomfortable while talking to him. Even Nikki misses him *pets invisible motzy*
Shit... Now, that I look at my manips and I compare it to others I go... WTF. Whats wrong with me? My Photomanipulations are horrible now. I have no inspiration what so ever and it drives me crazy. This has been happening to me for awhile now and its really going to bury me deep. Photomanipulation is the only thing I was proud of cause I let out my wacky and morbid side... oh and Anger and Sadness... Pretty much everything through manips. Now... I'm just staring straight at a blank page. Gah.
LMAO!!! I just looked back at my gallery on DA and I just randomly clicked my favs. I just noticed how depressing my descriptions are. If it wasn't love that I was bumped out about its how pointless my life is. Lol. I don't think so no more. Thanks to number 4. Lol. I'm surprised I didn't end my life I sounded pretty depressing. Wait... was it the time when I used to cut myself? *checks date*The last time I cut myself was *thinks* Umm... March? HOLY SHIT! I haven't cut myself in almost 3 months! WOHOO! I'm soo happy. I was depressed but I didn't do shit. *does boogie* I can control myself.. Yes, I can. *sings* Yes, I can. I cried.. and I didn't do shit then either. I feel normal now. LoL Well, not completely. I should seriously learn how to cry for more than a minute. *pats self on back* Woah... I'm pretty strong. I would thank my unrequited relationships for this.
listening to: TFC. >>
I know exactly what to ask JJ for my bday!!!
alice nine. band scores!!!!!!!! Both of them. *does the boogie*
I just hope he doesn't mind it. I mean he spends all his money on himself.
I want those soo badly!!
okie... now I seriously have to do something for nikki!
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
listening to: Mozart
Umm... It was fun?
Nothing really special. Met a couple of new friends. We pretty much just hung out.
Me and Nikz are having this convo bout our life is soo much like Hana Yori Dango.
I'm Yuki and Nikki is Makino.
We even have an F4. *falls off chair* LMAO.
listening to: ruri no ame - alice nine.
Shit... I think I'm getting a little desperate. I dunno. I just feel like he wants me but hes too scared to admit it... I just can't help but hope now. I just want.... I just want him. I find this completely pathetic of me but I do. I really do. -__-
I know... I know he'll just turn me down flat like all the other guys. But can't I hope. I just started hoping a few minutes ago. Gah... fuckin asshole.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
listening to: sabi - sugar.
Umm... what shall I do for my birthday? *thinks*
June 26th... so far away and yet so close.
Last year I threw a fit cause well, cause they forced me out of the house for a surprise bday party when I already know where we were going. The people that came weren't even my fucking friends. Faisal, Kai, Salaman? those are your fucking friends Nasreen. Not that I mind. I didn't have friends then. Umm... it was fun. Bowling and Pizza is fun. Embarrassing me by putting my fav jrockers on the cake with toothpicks. Funny guys. I got seriously pissed when the guys were calling them fags. I just wished Gackt was there to tell you off. If Nikki was there with me. We would've kicked your asses.
What would I want to do? what do I want for my bday?
I dunno and If only it was that easy to get it.
listening to: Sabi - Sugar
I'm wearing a mask. Its fun to hide things but it'll hurt so much when you're alone. I hate it when I think about. I wish I had homeschooling to drown my sorrows in. *sigh* I love work. It helps me forget things. It helps me cover it up even more. The first week of this was the worst. But no one seemed to notice. I had to tell Nada for her to find out. I told Nikki. She told me I was in love with him. I can't be. I don't want to be. Fuck. This is just... I don't want this. I know it'll never happen. I should get over him already. Hey, I'm trying. Now, I really am covering it up. They don't even notice much. Umm... at least I don't spoil the happy atmosphere. LOL. Happy. I wish. Its soo easy for me.... To fake it. To fake the whole thing. To fake my smile. To make my eyes look happier. To keep my voice stable. I'm pretty happy with myself. I wonder if I can smile when the worst pain comes. I hope I can. I shall test myself.
Lets see what happens.
This is going to be fun.