Fight sequence between Scarlet and the Third person in scarlets and Dafoes love life.
"I may be too little into society but I have experienced difficulties you'll never ever imagine! I know what is right and wrong, whether or not I am too little or too much into society. You on the other hand, too much into society and you bring nothing but agony to anyone who is yet to know your persona. Your concept of right and wrong is to vague for you to even think or say that I'm just a beginner into society. I have long years ahead of you. You are nothing but a naive, immature, obnoxious, attention seeking woman with all the fake virtues that every good woman should have. You are nothing compared to me. Don't ever insult me thus again. I don't know why I tolerate you so." I turned away immediately storming out. Leaving her and Mr.Dafoe in an awe. The moment I stepped outside. I stopped and thought for a long while before breaking into tears. My heart only now realizing how much it hurt to be insulted thus. Maybe I am to sensitive. No, I have too much repressed feeling tucked into my little pieces of my heart. I clutched the side of my dress and walked quickly to the lake. I sat there and quivered.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
"My hopes were all dead-struck with a subtle doom, in night, fell it shivered away from my heart"
Mood: Indifferent
Call me selfish or competitive I might be one or both. I'm just having one of those times when I feel so productive that again instead of doing what I should. I ponder on my confidence level and lower it myself. Lol. Its unhealthy I know. But it can also be a good thing? I think. I know what you're thinking "So hurting yourself Naj would be a grand thing?" Lmao. Or something like that in a less writers format. Yes, I'm in that mode too. >.< style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">n't do everything at one time. Take it easy.
Imagine that.
I don't know, I miss those eight months of my life. Where I was often called the next generation of something. *sigh* Those were times when I actually smiled my brightest smiles. For some reason I feel disappointed.
-Naj
Call me selfish or competitive I might be one or both. I'm just having one of those times when I feel so productive that again instead of doing what I should. I ponder on my confidence level and lower it myself. Lol. Its unhealthy I know. But it can also be a good thing? I think. I know what you're thinking "So hurting yourself Naj would be a grand thing?" Lmao. Or something like that in a less writers format. Yes, I'm in that mode too. >.< style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">n't do everything at one time. Take it easy.
Imagine that.
I don't know, I miss those eight months of my life. Where I was often called the next generation of something. *sigh* Those were times when I actually smiled my brightest smiles. For some reason I feel disappointed.
-Naj
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
Memories that haunt and scare.
mood: slightly annoyed.
listening to: nothing.
Well, I miss you blog.
You know I can never actually leave you or not vent out on you anymore.
Its just not possible at all. What was my actual reason for starting a blog? hmm... I don't quite remember. I think it was cause I was sick and tired of writing "Dear diary, today I..." with colored feathery girlie pens. Sorry, that doesn't work for me. Actually, I haven't had the time to actually sit down and give a whole hour to myself. Since, I don't feel like manipulating I'll just blog.~ at least I can dwell a bit in the depths of my echoie mind. haha. okay. my rooms too fucking quiet. Nada turned off the ac. I'll just randomly bull shit and say. I'm not really in the mood to do anything productive yet I fell like it. But I don't really want to.
Yes, I contradict myself.
listening to: nothing.
Well, I miss you blog.
You know I can never actually leave you or not vent out on you anymore.
Its just not possible at all. What was my actual reason for starting a blog? hmm... I don't quite remember. I think it was cause I was sick and tired of writing "Dear diary, today I..." with colored feathery girlie pens. Sorry, that doesn't work for me. Actually, I haven't had the time to actually sit down and give a whole hour to myself. Since, I don't feel like manipulating I'll just blog.~ at least I can dwell a bit in the depths of my echoie mind. haha. okay. my rooms too fucking quiet. Nada turned off the ac. I'll just randomly bull shit and say. I'm not really in the mood to do anything productive yet I fell like it. But I don't really want to.
Yes, I contradict myself.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Unspoken words
Closure statement.
Since I didn't really finish what I was saying in that AA cirlce. CAUSE EVERYONE FUCKING KEPT INTRUPTING ME AND THEY EVEN FORGOT THAT IT WAS MY TURN. (why doesn't people want to hear it from me? honestly?) Official closure. I have accepted the fact that Nikki and I have drifted away, weeks after I realized it which was over a year a go. I'm happier with or without her if she needs me I'll be there, otherwise I do not trust her with valuable info and in real life its either you don't have a bestfriend or you just have one and honestly I can't wait to get out of my teens so I can walk away from drama. People don't respect me enough. Anyways. Only people I'll get really close with right now are just going to be my good friends not best. My rule would be 'ONE BESTFRIEND ONLY!* (possibly two if a boyfriend(thats like a love and bestfriend in one) is involved) hehehehe. anyways. I'm going to be mean but its the truth. I don't care what goes on in her life. If she wants to be closed. I don't care. She says bad shit about me I don't care. But if its about other people that when I really flip and thats what happened for the 3 days of practice we had this week. Shes become intolerable which affected everyone. (obviously) but in the end I let it go. but then it got brought up once again. Which affected me cause I didn't get to finish damnit. anyways I don't care. Its done and over with. All I'm saying is the company is too personal. Boundaries need to be set and they will be set for me. IM GOING TO SAY THIS ONCE SO EVERYONE GET IT IN YOUR HEAD. I'm just Nikkis friend. GET OVER IT. I DONT CAST YOU OUT. NEITHER DO I CARE IF YOU CAST ME OUT. CAUSE FOR SURE I DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU AND NADAS CONVERSATIONS. SO STFU. YOUR NADAS BESTFRIEND FROM THE BEGINNING SO WHY SHOULD I BE OFFENDED IF YOU MISCELLOUSLY DECIDED TO BE WITHOUT ME. I DO NOT MIND. I DO NOT CARE. END OF STORY. WE ALL HAVE DIFFERENT FRIENDS. ITS NOT FOREVER. BLEH. WE HAVE A WHOLE WORLD AHEAD OF US. ITS ACCEPT AND MOVE ON. GEEZ. DRAMA QUEEN SERIOUSLY. SO STUPID. I LET IT GO ALREADY. YOU SHOULD TOO. GET OVER EVERYTHING ALREADY. GOSH. GROW UP. SELFISH BITCH. (sorry to those who get offended at that, I just think its fair I get to vent out somehow too)
That was out of anger yes. but I still do care for her and want her to see what shes doing to everyone and to herself. but I guess she needs to find out on her own. I'm done trying. Cause today I saw and accepted the changed Nikki. I still love her. Its just not as strong as it should be.
Since nothing is going to change. Might as well go on with my life. Haha. yes I gave up that easily. why? cause its a hopeless case.
I just blew up cause Nikki wasn't only hurting me anymore. She was hurting everyone. I only get too far with my tolerance and patience, but one word against... umm... lets just put it this way, I could be the mother lion trying to protect her cubs. something like that. okay maybe I'm just that protective to a select few people (Nada, Renz, Kal (if hes affected but hes not) etc.) but still.
Other than that, its an office not a freaking drama club. WHEN ITS WORKING HOURS. WORK! do NOT slack off. Get there on time and work when its done go home. end of story. I DONT GO THERE TO COME HOME EVERYDAY WITH A SAD, PISSY MOOD. I'M GETTING SICK CAUSE OF THIS SHIT. LITERALLY! only 2 weeks of this shit getting too intolerable and I'm already getting really really feverish and weak. another 2 weeks, I'll get sent to the hospital and this shit is not worth it. SET A BOUNDARY. I've done that since this thing started. Did what I had to do went home when transport is permitted. Other than that I keep to myself and talk randomly amongst friends or watch practices since I'm done with my hours then home. End of story. I've worked in an office before so I know how I should be with or without my friends as my co-workers. [BOUNDARY]
Anyways, I'm done with that and this is the last time I'll be thinking about or talking about it unless it is brought up again, I'll only reply if I have to, otherwise I'll just listen.
Officially closed.
Drama no longer exsists in my world as long as I can help it. (Neutralism)
Got a problem with that? EXECUTE ME!
Now, I feel much better. No more weight on my shoulders. Still feel sick though.
Hmmmmm... I like the smell of my pjs. Smells like comfort. Lets start with the logo shall we.
Since I didn't really finish what I was saying in that AA cirlce. CAUSE EVERYONE FUCKING KEPT INTRUPTING ME AND THEY EVEN FORGOT THAT IT WAS MY TURN. (why doesn't people want to hear it from me? honestly?) Official closure. I have accepted the fact that Nikki and I have drifted away, weeks after I realized it which was over a year a go. I'm happier with or without her if she needs me I'll be there, otherwise I do not trust her with valuable info and in real life its either you don't have a bestfriend or you just have one and honestly I can't wait to get out of my teens so I can walk away from drama. People don't respect me enough. Anyways. Only people I'll get really close with right now are just going to be my good friends not best. My rule would be 'ONE BESTFRIEND ONLY!* (possibly two if a boyfriend(thats like a love and bestfriend in one) is involved) hehehehe. anyways. I'm going to be mean but its the truth. I don't care what goes on in her life. If she wants to be closed. I don't care. She says bad shit about me I don't care. But if its about other people that when I really flip and thats what happened for the 3 days of practice we had this week. Shes become intolerable which affected everyone. (obviously) but in the end I let it go. but then it got brought up once again. Which affected me cause I didn't get to finish damnit. anyways I don't care. Its done and over with. All I'm saying is the company is too personal. Boundaries need to be set and they will be set for me. IM GOING TO SAY THIS ONCE SO EVERYONE GET IT IN YOUR HEAD. I'm just Nikkis friend. GET OVER IT. I DONT CAST YOU OUT. NEITHER DO I CARE IF YOU CAST ME OUT. CAUSE FOR SURE I DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU AND NADAS CONVERSATIONS. SO STFU. YOUR NADAS BESTFRIEND FROM THE BEGINNING SO WHY SHOULD I BE OFFENDED IF YOU MISCELLOUSLY DECIDED TO BE WITHOUT ME. I DO NOT MIND. I DO NOT CARE. END OF STORY. WE ALL HAVE DIFFERENT FRIENDS. ITS NOT FOREVER. BLEH. WE HAVE A WHOLE WORLD AHEAD OF US. ITS ACCEPT AND MOVE ON. GEEZ. DRAMA QUEEN SERIOUSLY. SO STUPID. I LET IT GO ALREADY. YOU SHOULD TOO. GET OVER EVERYTHING ALREADY. GOSH. GROW UP. SELFISH BITCH. (sorry to those who get offended at that, I just think its fair I get to vent out somehow too)
That was out of anger yes. but I still do care for her and want her to see what shes doing to everyone and to herself. but I guess she needs to find out on her own. I'm done trying. Cause today I saw and accepted the changed Nikki. I still love her. Its just not as strong as it should be.
Since nothing is going to change. Might as well go on with my life. Haha. yes I gave up that easily. why? cause its a hopeless case.
I just blew up cause Nikki wasn't only hurting me anymore. She was hurting everyone. I only get too far with my tolerance and patience, but one word against... umm... lets just put it this way, I could be the mother lion trying to protect her cubs. something like that. okay maybe I'm just that protective to a select few people (Nada, Renz, Kal (if hes affected but hes not) etc.) but still.
Other than that, its an office not a freaking drama club. WHEN ITS WORKING HOURS. WORK! do NOT slack off. Get there on time and work when its done go home. end of story. I DONT GO THERE TO COME HOME EVERYDAY WITH A SAD, PISSY MOOD. I'M GETTING SICK CAUSE OF THIS SHIT. LITERALLY! only 2 weeks of this shit getting too intolerable and I'm already getting really really feverish and weak. another 2 weeks, I'll get sent to the hospital and this shit is not worth it. SET A BOUNDARY. I've done that since this thing started. Did what I had to do went home when transport is permitted. Other than that I keep to myself and talk randomly amongst friends or watch practices since I'm done with my hours then home. End of story. I've worked in an office before so I know how I should be with or without my friends as my co-workers. [BOUNDARY]
Anyways, I'm done with that and this is the last time I'll be thinking about or talking about it unless it is brought up again, I'll only reply if I have to, otherwise I'll just listen.
Officially closed.
Drama no longer exsists in my world as long as I can help it. (Neutralism)
Got a problem with that? EXECUTE ME!
Now, I feel much better. No more weight on my shoulders. Still feel sick though.
Hmmmmm... I like the smell of my pjs. Smells like comfort. Lets start with the logo shall we.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Year 1000.
Its been a month since my last blog.
...
*cough* confession *cough*
Its been a long week. Literally. I was staying over at Naz's the whole time and its tiring but fun. Wake up at around 8am, eat breakfast with mother who usually comes over at that time. Then leave and I always end up going with her to the bank despite how messy I look then home, shower then I watch TrueBlood until it was time to leave again at around one. Then Dance Practice/Design Meeting. So it was like that for about 4 days. I got a little pissed at the fact that sometimes we just don't fucking practice. The show has been postproned yes. But that doesn't mean we have to stop. Cause after this week, I'm taking the whole week off for myself and school. bleh. Its starting the week after and I'm not sure if I'm ready but we'll see. I'm a little scared but who isn't?
...
*cough* confession *cough*
Its been a long week. Literally. I was staying over at Naz's the whole time and its tiring but fun. Wake up at around 8am, eat breakfast with mother who usually comes over at that time. Then leave and I always end up going with her to the bank despite how messy I look then home, shower then I watch TrueBlood until it was time to leave again at around one. Then Dance Practice/Design Meeting. So it was like that for about 4 days. I got a little pissed at the fact that sometimes we just don't fucking practice. The show has been postproned yes. But that doesn't mean we have to stop. Cause after this week, I'm taking the whole week off for myself and school. bleh. Its starting the week after and I'm not sure if I'm ready but we'll see. I'm a little scared but who isn't?
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
when I was murdered virtually.
mood: .-. <- ultimate upside down sad man face
listening to: Quarter Life ~ lynch
Sometimes I really hate it when I know people read this pathetic piece of shit. I don't really care anymore. Cause they JUST read it. Its not like they do anything about it if I said something sad or if I'm disappointed or scared or freaking unhappy. None of you do shit. Its pretty much like having that journal always hidden under your pillow. You're all just reading thoughts and thats it eh?
Fuck it.
I had a little revelation its that kind thats usually called 'Left'. Not the advejective the verb. yes. left. left out. left alone. LEFT. I hate it when I remember 'left'....................... Oh fuck it. I'm not going to be discreet anymore and sugar coat what I really mean. I'll just pretend that this is just a private blog that no one reads so i can speak my mind. fuck hell no am I going to try and talk to you guys again about this its just the fucking same shit over and over again. Okay, I don't like it when i'm left out. I get really really really really angry that instead of absorbing myself in that feeling of being left out I absorb myself in that anger and out of anger, since I don't hurt myself anymore I just take it out with this little shitty blog entry OR! or I take it out on art or getting better in so many other things. This anger turns into need and that need can't be met until I'm satisfied with what I've done with that anger. But still nothing. I get really determined to replace everyone with things that don't even talk. If not that then with what I can do. Thats why I was a fucking loner at some point. Stayed home, built useless jobs for myself and created things. Drew things. Disappeared in my own little world for the fucking last four years and to come out of it to begin again. Dreadful I tell you.
Honestly, I did tell every one of you how I felt about these things and the response was either nothing at all or yea, its okay. I know! okay. I know! that you don't even bother with invitations cause well cause you know I'll say no cause of my parents but still. Its still nice to hear them. I have so many different groups of friends and to feel left out in every group just adds to the anger. I just realized how fucking pathetic I'm being. WELL! I CAN'T HELP MYSELF. Its too much for me sometimes okay? So quit it with your judging. I hate it when people judge me. Especially those I care for the most. Its just too cruel.
I really loved working at least then I didn't have time to think about this shit. Its not worth it. But I still do. Cause it still hurts. Renz for example probably thinks I'm talking bullshit and thinking maybe I was just being cute or just trying to complain about shit just for shits or for his entertainment. Well, renz. I'm not. I'm 110% serious. and yet he does nothing then kal does pretty much the same thing but with an added 'Its okay, hun' <- maybe the same thing renz would say. If I tell Nasreen. Oh yea I know what her answer would be. "Fuck them. They're all cunts. Go out with me that way you'll skip their childish attempts of being friends with you." blah blah blah and yasy! yasy, feels my pain. *huggles yasy* mary feels my pain too *huggles her aswell*
that concluded my selfish disdain of feeling left out. I bet you guys don't remember what you read. HAHAHAHAAHAHA. You can do nothing about this now. I'm going to go to something more useless like maybe sulk about deviantart and get inspired enough to make a burning red deviation to show everyone how freaking angry I am. I'm not the only useless thing anymore.
fuck you.
listening to: Quarter Life ~ lynch
Sometimes I really hate it when I know people read this pathetic piece of shit. I don't really care anymore. Cause they JUST read it. Its not like they do anything about it if I said something sad or if I'm disappointed or scared or freaking unhappy. None of you do shit. Its pretty much like having that journal always hidden under your pillow. You're all just reading thoughts and thats it eh?
Fuck it.
I had a little revelation its that kind thats usually called 'Left'. Not the advejective the verb. yes. left. left out. left alone. LEFT. I hate it when I remember 'left'....................... Oh fuck it. I'm not going to be discreet anymore and sugar coat what I really mean. I'll just pretend that this is just a private blog that no one reads so i can speak my mind. fuck hell no am I going to try and talk to you guys again about this its just the fucking same shit over and over again. Okay, I don't like it when i'm left out. I get really really really really angry that instead of absorbing myself in that feeling of being left out I absorb myself in that anger and out of anger, since I don't hurt myself anymore I just take it out with this little shitty blog entry OR! or I take it out on art or getting better in so many other things. This anger turns into need and that need can't be met until I'm satisfied with what I've done with that anger. But still nothing. I get really determined to replace everyone with things that don't even talk. If not that then with what I can do. Thats why I was a fucking loner at some point. Stayed home, built useless jobs for myself and created things. Drew things. Disappeared in my own little world for the fucking last four years and to come out of it to begin again. Dreadful I tell you.
Honestly, I did tell every one of you how I felt about these things and the response was either nothing at all or yea, its okay. I know! okay. I know! that you don't even bother with invitations cause well cause you know I'll say no cause of my parents but still. Its still nice to hear them. I have so many different groups of friends and to feel left out in every group just adds to the anger. I just realized how fucking pathetic I'm being. WELL! I CAN'T HELP MYSELF. Its too much for me sometimes okay? So quit it with your judging. I hate it when people judge me. Especially those I care for the most. Its just too cruel.
I really loved working at least then I didn't have time to think about this shit. Its not worth it. But I still do. Cause it still hurts. Renz for example probably thinks I'm talking bullshit and thinking maybe I was just being cute or just trying to complain about shit just for shits or for his entertainment. Well, renz. I'm not. I'm 110% serious. and yet he does nothing then kal does pretty much the same thing but with an added 'Its okay, hun' <- maybe the same thing renz would say. If I tell Nasreen. Oh yea I know what her answer would be. "Fuck them. They're all cunts. Go out with me that way you'll skip their childish attempts of being friends with you." blah blah blah and yasy! yasy, feels my pain. *huggles yasy* mary feels my pain too *huggles her aswell*
that concluded my selfish disdain of feeling left out. I bet you guys don't remember what you read. HAHAHAHAAHAHA. You can do nothing about this now. I'm going to go to something more useless like maybe sulk about deviantart and get inspired enough to make a burning red deviation to show everyone how freaking angry I am. I'm not the only useless thing anymore.
fuck you.
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