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Wednesday, May 27, 2009

late night

1:16am

Muted the mic and turned off the cam.
I'm not bothered to let out my hidden feelings in a book, nor to call my bestfriend cause I know how much you hate me running to him instead of you. I guess, when I do want to run to you its either you're out somewhere or you're too tired that I don't even bother anymore. Why am I typing this up? This time I won't just forget the problem and just let it rot in my insides cause later on that'll just come back and hurt me with even more impact. I just want you to know, even if I'm not sure you'll read this because I'm not going to tell you to.

Sometimes, I can deal with your mood swings as I try to get used to it and understand even if your sharp tone just seems to like hurting me the most. I ignore, and comfort you the ways I can even if I suck at it every bit I try. I try my best and I'm sorry if I can be useless sometimes. Trust me it hurts me the most cause I can't seem to make you smile when you need to the most. I feel helpless and hurt cause even the tiniest things I can't do. Im sorry. Right now, I want nothing more than to go back a few hours and just say 'Hey hun, I missed you' when you called. I wished I just listened to what happened to you without thinking about how I felt. I guess, I couldn't this time. It just bugged me so much that I felt a little angry as well as upset and I'm sorry. I'm too emotional. hahahaha.

I can't sleep. I always thought it stupid to cry. It'll just tire you out you know. So I never do it unless I can't help it. This is one of those times I think. You've taken a toll on me, never been this upset since that time you came home a little out of mind a couple of weeks ago and you asked why I was on the phone with renz?. Lets just say I don't like being called clinging. Thats like one of the reasons why a certain someone wouldn't give a moment to think I would be a good enough girlfriend for him. I was afraid, so afraid of losing you. I promised myself long ago that I wouldn't make the same mistakes again and I did just ever so slightly, I felt neglected what was I supposed to do? stay as far away from you as possible? That'll hurt me more than being neglected. I came back from the Philippines to someone so busy and stressed.
I didn't mind it much, I tried to be there, helped you in any way I can, tried to make you smile when you needed it, told you to take care of yourself cause I wasn't always around to do it for you. But you can never help the feeling of neglection. No matter how hard I try, I'll always be clingy when I miss someone. I can't help it. But for you, I'll try not to "annoy" you with my attention and hugs for that I'm sorry too.

Main point is, you've been out of your all too usual mood all week and it hasn't just affected you hun, it affected me as well. I worry about you sometimes- all the time and when I ask whats wrong you never answer the way I want you too cause you can't. I don't even know why I even try asking you a couple of more times it'll just bring out that 'shut up, you're annoying' tone that you use to make me feel so tiny, subconciously of course. Well, I can't help asking either. Sometimes I think if I don't ask anymore you'll think that I don't care. I don't know why that stupid notion came into mind. I feel like a kid, complaining about this all. I'm not even sure if I should post this up or not. gah, what the hell. I just had to get that off my chest otherwise I won't be able to sleep at all tonight.



Forgive me, hun if I'm being immature. I am after all only sixteen.

I love you so much kal. I'm sorry.

2 comments:

Renz said...

wat the...

Mini-selfcentered said...

sorry I didn't tell you best. >>
*nuggles* luv u! *makes a run for it*