I'm envious

mood: jealous....
listening to: sink by 9goats black out.

everyone isn't perfect right?
Neither am I.
I'm a jealous person, I just don't show it. If I see pretty girls around me and guys are looking at them and not me I get insecure/jealous or envious or whatever. I see someone who have the same thing I want, I get jealous. If someones paying more attention to someone and completely ignoring me I get jealous. If someone has a bf and I go WTF.... why dont I have one. oh Yeah cause I dont want one. >_> when I see happy faces of students I get jealous cause they're happy and in school and I'm not. If I see people working and able to stand on their feet on their own, I get jealous cause I cant do that. I get jealous when I know someone has more fun with others than with me I get jealous. when I see someone who is way better than me I get jealous. I know, its natural but seriously. I hate feeling this way.


I remember being in the room, me and nada share in the Philippines. I was maybe 11-12. It was raining, I just sat up on my bunk on top, in the corner and just waited for my life to change. It didn't till we came back here. At that time, I was angry. so fucking angry. I was angry at the world, at myself, at God. especially at God. I know I shouldn't but I was just a little girl, and I had to blame someone rather than myself. I kept on praying to him every night asking Him Why did I end up this way? Why did He make me this way? Why am I living when there is nothing for me? Why did you do this to me? Blah blah blah blah and all that emo shit. Eventually in my cold solitude, I woke up and harvested enough anger to point at myself. and said to myself in the mirror. "The only person you should blame is yourself, you coward." then I hit the mirror and I didn't brake it, damn it. I remember just sitting in the shower in the corner after I shattered my own hopes again. when I was soo motivated to go to school. I ended up throwing a tantrum, locking myself in the bathroom and screaming to God. why the fuck am I this way?. Oh the good all days. I'm happy, Yasy made me change cause of the way I treated her. And I started thinking that if I don't really have a purpose in this world instead of trying to kill yourself, wait until you die. You might see great things on the way eh?

I also, spend to much time in daydream land and talking to myself. I spent to much time thinking about where do I go from here? what will happen to me in the future if I don't go to school? Will I live happily or will I be one of those people who die in misery?. I never looked forward to anything. Until, I started Photomanipulating and drawing. when I saw that it wouldn't take anywhere I started doing something new like playing the bass. That made me think, maybe I could be famous or something if I was good enough. Of course thats just sooo fucking stupid. I eventually lost all will to live. which was like a 7-9 months ago. Until, I grew seriously addicted to Jrock. I know its completely and utterly pathetic. But hey, anything can change someones mind. Music can i guess. After I started to have this HUGE addiction to jrock, I stopped thinking about the past and kept moving forward. Its like I don't care what will happen to me. as long as I die at some point and it does not involve my wrist and a blade. sometimes when half of my head goes numb and the other half hurts life fuck for a split minute, I think I'll die soon and I smile and embrace the pain. If I ever get diagnosed with a sickness which is beyond cure. I'll probably accept my fate and live the rest of my life simply like always. Lol...

Till then I'm just going to improve myself in every way possible.

ALL THIS IS WRITTEN IN HUMOR.