Tuesday, August 5, 2008

taenai arasoi no naka inochi wa ima maku wo ake

mood: confused
listening to: CORONA - alice nine. *sigh* I miss this a9. *sulks*

My mind took over early this morning and woke me up cause it was thinking about how bad work can be for me. What the fuck is up with my head? Its like I have two people in there. One doesn't want me to succeed and the other is weak and always aims high but stupid bad one keeps on caging it and I end up with a messed up life. I knew it! I have a mental disorder. Explains my silent tantrums and black outs. Someone lock me up. *hitshead*
I woke up so fucking scared. No dreams no nothing. I just woke up cause my stupid mind has a mind of its own!!!! *is scared shitless* I tried to not think about it... but it insists on staying on my mind until I fully awoke. Oh come on... Can't I do something normal! (little voice in head speaks) "No. You are an ascetic"A WAT?! When and where did I learn that word?!?! I don't remember learning that word?!?! *is freaking out*

It was 6am and I want to fucking sleep... but No0ooo0o0o... Gah. I wanted to cry. Its not fair. I'm currently at war with myself. Stupid piece of shit. I hate myself. I want wenwen! T-T *calls out to him*

I gave up and sulked in the kitchen staring at the food. I didn't feel hungry. I read a bit so I won't think about it. When mom came home she was like. "Okay, choose do you or do you not want to work. This is a full time job and you won't be able to go out anymore. Your day off is on a weekday and you'll be really pressured when Ramadan starts. You'll be staying from 10 to 10. You'll even start working when you start college. You'll be stressed and you not eating during breakfast won't help you." Now, I have to think about it but I want some help. Wenwen? o-o help? The thing about this job is they don't hire expats. dunno why. o-o man, if I start working I can't get out of it easily. My CPR will be under aljezira, I have 3 month probation. I won't have much fun. I can't go out much anymore and I just turned 16. I want to have fun not work my ass off until its too late to do anything. Umm... Enjoy teenage life... or work ass off? the place I'll be working is FUNKY FISH! the shop rite next to Jashamal. My uniform is clothes from the shop itself. o-o *hitshead* I can't decide.

I need opinions.
I'll call Nasreen & talk to wenwen in a bit.

Oh and Congrats DD! Its a baby girl!

I want to manipulate. T-T no inspiration.

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